Brink

BRINK


What do I do

if I start to fall again?
Do I pull myself up, take a step back, 
and brush off the possibilities?
Should I just back away now,
or approach the probability? 
I shudder when I think
of going through it all again
Yet, I’m on the brink
of colliding with now and then
I could just decide, right now,
that it’s time to say when
  
Brush it all off, 
before I get hurt again?


Why am I so afraid

of feeling fulfilled?
Do I ignore my heart, at this moment,
and turn off the possibilities?
Is it safer to back away now,
to avoid the probability? 
Give in to my head,
and seize the chance to leave
Slink away from a temptation
that I can barely conceive
With my worn-out heart
clinging to my sleeve

Turn it all off,
and just leave?


Why am I so worried

about being selfish?
Was I not searching, and hoping,
for the possibilities?
Do I really want to back away
from a healthy probability?
My instincts are whispering,
get away, you are getting close 
Yet, there is a reason why
you are the one that I chose
Where we are headed,
neither one of us knows

I just hope that I am prepared
before I get too close.


My smile seems to have an answer,

and here it is, I suppose…
This may be possible, probably.
Let’s just see how it goes.

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Past

“So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light…
Just promise me we’ll be alright
But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue
But we’ll live a long life
And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we’ll live a long life”
‘Ghosts That We Knew’
– Mumford & Sons


Past

I took a chance
and let you into my heart.
I let all of my feelings show.
Uprooted my life,
for me and you,
but little did I know.


I discovered your wounds,

written in your own words,
there, for anyone to see.
Cuts and bruises,
vital accumulation,
scars, that you never showed me.

The breadth of your struggles,
so much I didn’t know,
spread across my screen.
Instead of in my mind.
Instead of in my heart,
where they should have been.

I took your determination,
for never again,
as a personal affront.
Your learned defensive posture
as harsh belligerence,
 you just being you, being blunt.

Your fierce independence
was stubborn vulnerability.
Your frustration, was our fate.
The voice of your experience,
sad and specific,
finally heard, but far too late.

I would have tried harder
to let you speak to me,
to let your words get through.
I could have helped you 
confront your demons,
instead of confronting you.

 It became impossible
to live with you
when you wouldn’t let me in.
Hard for us
to start over,
with nowhere to begin.

Had I only known
 the slippery slope
  of dealing with your past.
Known that I would struggle
to wade through
the depths
and dangers of your doubt.

I still would have wanted you.
I still could have loved you.
I would have understood.
I could have pulled you out.


I chose the challenge,

and gave you my heart.
Let all of my feelings show.
Uprooted my life,
to be with you,
but little did I know.


If only I had known,
I could have earned your trust.
I would have opened up my mind.
Instead, I read of our demise,

   determined before we met,
 by those you left behind.

Takers, martyrs, bullies,
sad and hurtful people,
there on my screen.
Instead of in our talks.
Instead of in my thoughts,
where they should have been.

 Until I read it,
I never once heard you 

refer to your mother as
Mom.
In fact, I barely knew
where all of the hurt
and resentment
were from.

Never could I picture, you,
together with your ex.

Made no sense to me at all.
And, until I read the name,
  typed in bold hostility,
I had never heard of Paul.

Bitterness and bravado.
 Broken pieces of the past,
clenched inside your fist.
   Our time, our spirit,
spent fighting with your ghosts.
One more added to the list.

It’s tough to share
with someone
who barely gives.
Hard to live
with someone
who reluctantly lives.

Had I only known
the bleak history
of your emotional pain.
The depths to which
those before me
had sunk inside your mind.
I still would have wanted you.
I still could have loved you.
I would have understood.
I could have been more kind.

I gave you my heart.
Had I only known…

 

 

Shallow

Shallow
So many faces,
just this week.
Most of them
are but a blur.
Flashing by me,
as I refuse.
Pausing, briefly, 
as I concur.

At my computer,
sitting in judgment.
Picking and choosing
on a casual glance.
Swiping my phone
past faceless heads.
If there’s no photo,
you miss your chance.

I thumb my way 
through someone’s hopes,
the honest submission
  of a lonely soul.
Personal insights,
for my perusal.
Wishful thinking,
under my control.

One, of every thirty,
manage to satisfy
my shallow criteria,
my superficial need.
The rest, apparently,
are unimportant.
Carefully chosen words, 
I can’t be bothered to read.

How many times,
just today,
did some decent person
do the same to me?
Drift on by,
with their own standards. 
This dude is too old.
I don’t like what I see.

Fair is fair,
as they say.
It’s a two-way stream.
To each, his or her own.
We both may have missed
a hell of a catch.
Two more thrown back,
into the great unknown.

Okay, so…

Attractive picture,
check mark.
Lives fairly close,
there’s two.
The requisite interests
and required numbers.
Yes. You’ve been chosen,
hurray for you.

Now we begin
the message game.
Spurting out sentences
to lure a reaction.
With honest intentions
I revisit her disclosure.
I extract her own words,
for her satisfaction.

We both have kids 
to brag about.
Claim to like music,
so there’s that.
Slowly, painfully slow,
we find out more.  
The more we find out,
the more we chat.

Back and forth,
we give, we take.
It’s serious business,
  when it should be fun.
Often left dangling
by my own line.
Hooking my ego
to the last one.

Finally, exhausted,
I cast out an invitation,
thankful we are done
discussing the weather.
Patiently, I await
her obvious response.
After all of this typing,
we’ll be getting together.

It’s Thursday for drinks,
we both took the bait.
Some candid conversation,
our next place to start.
We’ve gone this far,
through uncharted waters.
A first date might be
the easiest part.

 

 

 

 

 

Squashed

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Squashed

She had
no time

for us.
I had
no patience

to wait.
While she
found
the time

to keep 
the promises
she made.

Plans made
for us
months ahead.

One night
away

in a different bed.
To feed
a love
we left unfed.
To bandage wounds
that
slowly bled.

Convenient excuses

from her
instead.
Obvious signs
that hope
was dead.

One dinner
for us
and maybe one dance.

One night
for us
months in advance.
To try
to find
our lost romance.
To save
our family
from circumstance.

Squashed
by her
without a glance.
An obvious sign
that we had
no chance.

No time.
No patience.

No hope. 
 Unwilling
to even try.

No time.
No patience.
No chance.

We both know
the reasons
why.

UP (computer-friendly view)

There have been some ups and downs over the past year. Never, however, have I been as low as one lost week in May of last year, just after wrist surgery #2.
But then as you see…I was UP again.

I am even more uppity a year later.
May 21, 2016
Have a great long weekend everyone!

   IMG_20150520_091650[1]

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Glut                                                                                    Clear                                                                                                                                                                                        
Mostly cloudy
IMG_20150513_083033[1]                                                              Mostly sunny

with a chance of rain.                                               with no chance of rain.
Same as yesterday.                                                   A brand new day.
Here I am again.                                                        Far less pain.

Walking around                                                         Able to focus
in a foggy haze                                                           with a clear mind
Little or no memory                                                  No fog and no haze
of the last three days                                                and no urge to rewind 
A dirty blur                                                                   Dirty blur, gone
A nauseating glut                                                      Nausea, no more
The dizzying effects                                                  Opening all my windows
of you know what                                                      and closing all those doors

Morphine.                                                                      So long morphine.
Morphine and pain.                                                  Hello healing pain.
Mostly cloudy                                                              Mostly sunny
with a chance of rain.                                               with zero chance of rain.

May 13, 2015                                                                              May 21, 2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silence

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Silence

 I hear the furnace kick in, on this cool morning.
An awakening nudge, from within the silence…
my creative silence.

It is then that I notice,
gradually notice more
The nuances of early morning
Just outside my door
The stillness of the lake
The shadows near the shore
A family of four ducks
And behind them two more
A peaceful place to begin my day
Alone, with some time to explore

A window to an opened mind.
A unique view, from within the silence…
my creative silence.

The façade of my introspection
Protective, but paper thin
Accessible, in the early morning
Without the voices or the din
An undisturbed opportunity
To summon, from within
The chance to visit places
Where I have seldom been
Insights, subtly perceptible
Like the drop of a pin

The sound of my ideas resonates,
clearly audible to me, from within the silence…
my creative silence.

Discernable refrains of thought
Echoing inside my peaceful shell
The intricacies of perception
From the depths of my well
The complexities of emotion
The conflicts that I must quell
Lost, and found, in the early morning
Immersed in what to tell
A place to elevate my opinions
Up from where they fell

I find my positive inspiration,
emerging, from within the silence…
my creative silence.

The early morning moves me
As the words start to flow
Drifting through the shadows
Like the ducks, in a row
Lines of innate substance
Gaining momentum as they go
Buoyant, lucid, more certain
Shedding inhibitions as they grow
Brought into the morning light
From this tranquil place I know

The quiet of the morning finds me here.
Where I can hear myself think…
within my creative silence.

 

Forward

” Same old, same old.
Another day, another dollar.  
  I’m retiring in a while.
Grinning and baring it.
Going through the motions.
Same shit, different pile.
East gate here we go again[1]
” Easier said than done.

Nothing better out there.
I’ve been here this long.
I can’t take that chance.
Better safe than sorry.
What if I am wrong? ”
IMG_20141103_124147[1]
Forward
Life is far too short
No risk means no reward
So do it for yourself
It’s time…you can’t afford

I look to those who have done it
The tension of compromise long gone
They all have bettered themselves
Their life…their own, after moving on

IMG_20150722_142011[1]
The fact that they seldom look back

A safe distance from where they stood
Happy with who and where they are
It is a better life…when life is good

Pic3 for Alive
They chose a new and different path

To move forward, while they can
Each with their own ambition
Each…to become a better man

Try3
Because life is far too short

Peace of mind is your reward
M
ake yourself happy now

It’s time…you can’t afford

 

Infringement

         Infringement

Ideas float through the air
It’s a new age, once again
Some of them will never return
Cyberspace… is free reign

There is no concept copyright
Too sad if ethics are missed
Too bad re: common decency
Not tangible… doesn’t exist

Who cares where it came from
What was written, what was read
Just erase the trail of evidence
Then it’s he said… vs. he said


IMG_20150324_113643[1]

However…
It can feel like a very small town
When that certain line gets crossed
The respect that you have gathered
Is compromised… and then it’s lost

It goes around and it comes around
Word will get out when it’s spread
Thought you already had problems?
Add this… to the mess in your head

We are both aware of the facts
And at least one of us cares
The one who will close his book
Reconsider… with whom he shares

It’s just a matter of talk and time
Your transparent cover will be blown
Guilty in the court of public opinion
Close the laptop… pick up the phone

There is a compromise to be had
Save face, lest the truth be known
A chance for you to make amends
To own up… to what you don’t own

Never

blocked path

Never


‘Never’ appeared in an instant…
And we never had a chance.

Never said the right words
Never took a confident stance
Had no time to fight for us
Never had a chance

Never felt such sudden separation
Never as wide as that expanse
Had no time to reach for you
Never had a chance

Never showed you all that I am
Never got to impress or enhance
Had no time to get to know me
Never had a chance

Never walked hand in hand
Never felt true romance
Had no time to hold on tight
Never had a chance

Never entertained new friends
Never got to enjoy a dance
Had no times to celebrate
Never had a chance

Never enjoyed a live band
Never shared a musical trance
Had no song to call our own
Never had a chance

Never smiled across a room
Never exchanged a knowing glance
Had no time to just feel great
Never had a chance

Never had a heartfelt discussion
Never took a positive stance
Had no time to hope for love
Never had a chance

 Never put our lives together…
Never took the chance.

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Living

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LIVING


Life is about experiencing love

         and everything it brings.
Love is about appreciating life
       and the little things.

Life is about trusting your instincts
         and taking chances.
Love is about recognizing why
         and knowing glances.

Life is about accepting realities
         and right and wrong.
Love is about understanding
         and staying strong.

Life is about treating with respect
          and believing in good.
Love is about making a commitment
  and realizing you should.

Life is about discovering more
         and wanting to thrive.
Love is about taking a hold 
         and feeling alive.

Life is about embracing change
 and before and after.
Love is about sharing circumstance
and pain and laughter.

Life is about appreciating memories
         and learning from the past.
Love is about creating tomorrows
         and making them last.

Life is about living with love
         and me…and you.
Love is about living life
                and knowing that you knew.

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