Remembered

Remembered

   I had a dentist appointment on Thursday. After I had parked my car I looked down at the ticket, and I remembered. 
   I felt a wave of anxiety come over me as I realized just where I was, and on what day. 
   I remembered, and I paused for a moment, before going up those stairs.
   I remembered, in a haze, as I sat, quiet in the dental chair.
I remembered many things in a rush of cold reality.

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I remembered that it was September the 10th.

I remembered that it was the date he died.
I remembered, thinking how fast that two years had gone by.

I remembered that this was where he had his fall.
I remembered getting the phone call at work.
I remember seeing him later that day at my sister’s.
I remembered how battered and bruised he was.
I remembered how shocked we were that he was released from emergency.
I remembered how proud and how stubborn he was.
I remembered just how much that I missed him.

I remembered two heart wrenching weeks in the hospital. 
I remembered the dedication of Dorry.1174411_721955574497380_563150802_n
I remembered the strength and humour of Gerry.
I remembered the seesaw of conversations with Tim.
I remembered the innocent sincerity of Anna and Erin.
I remembered the love and support, and soft hands of Lana.

I remembered his amazing comeback.
I remembered his helpless confusion.
I remembered when we decided to let him go.
I remembered saying goodbye.
I remembered picking out a casket.


I remembered dinner the night before the funeral
I remembered the breathtaking sky above Lake Huron.
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I remembered all of us staying at the same hotel.
I remembered the stories and drinks, smiles and tears.

I remembered what I wrote for the graveside.
I remembered that Lana had to read it for me.
I remembered my girls holding each of my hands.

I remembered, smiling, that Alec was there too.
I remembered people leaving for the airport.
I remembered saying goodbye.

I remembered looking back as we drove out of town.

As I stepped down from the chair, our dentist Dave, I am sure unaware of the date or circumstances, asked me to “say hi to the girls” for him…and he said, “I miss having your father Norm come to see me”.
Again I paused, and he knew just how much that meant as his eyes caught mine.
“Me too Dave.”  I closed the door behind me.

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Capsule

         CAPSULE

Entirely trapped within
an apprehensive maze
Rapt with guarded allure
in an enigmatic haze
Looking in the distance
a glimpse of what could be
A capsule look beyond
an instance of her with mebed - Copy

Finding in her eyes
what I was searching for      
A free-spirited soul
with so much more
An outlook so positive
a sense of good and true
Seeing an internal beauty
immersed inside my view

Everything feels so unreal…
Alone inside that moment.

Still slowly discovering
on our uncertain way
Fought against temptation
but decided to stay
Should have known better

should have said good night
Got lost in compulsion
the timing wasn’t right

Wary of that direction
so weary of that game
Thought we wanted more
thought we felt the same
A careful patient journey
had brought us to this place
Why the sudden detour?
Why this need to race?

Everything feels so unreal…
Left alone in that moment.

Saying what I thought
she wanted to hear
Candid cautious words
her silence very clear
Insights I would regret
with no need to rush
Uttered in a blind hurry
to just an eerie hush

Jolted from my trance
self-assurance suppressed
Nothing else for me to do
but quietly get dressed
Traces of good intentions
scattered carelessly around
Faint hopes lying on the floor
picked up without a sound

Everything feeling so unreal…
I left alone at that moment.

An agonizing drive home
riddled with doubt
Searching inside to findhazy woods
what that reaction was about
Harsh recurring analysis
Backtracking in my head
What made her panic?
What was it that I said?

Entirely trapped within
a confining, isolated maze
Stranded with my misgivings
in an angst-ridden haze
Lost before it was found
never knowing what could be
A fleeting capsule look
an instance of you and me

Everything feels so unreal…
All alone with that moment

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