Ascend

ASCEND
I thought that I was strong

and focused
and wise
Then pain came along
and clouded my eyes
Feb. 3rd.
20170710_095350[1]

Physical pain
with its fists
with its knife
The singular beat downs
and the double life

Bravely buried face
belying its agony
denying its control
Digging myself deeper
into a cavernous hole

Psychological pain
with its depression
with its doubt
The sinking in
and the lashing out

Dirty dark delusion
outside of my head
inside of my gut
The filthy depths
of my rotted rut

Emotional pain
with its superiority
with its second face
The nightly bring downs
putting me in my place

Soiled sullen eyes
unable to sleep
unwilling to see
The smudge of support
lying with me


I thought that I was alone

with my pain
and my compromise

Then healing arrived
to lift up my eyes
Sun for Every

Holistic healing
with healthier habits

without the medication
A stairway between me
and my situation

Patience plus purpose
in a manner of time
and a matter of space
An unobstructed view
from a loftier place

Professional healing
with nothing to lose
with everything to gain
A lucid escape
from my pit of pain

Calm cleansing clarity
sure answers
assured absolution
A clean break
from all of the pollution

My healing family
all of the conversations
none of the demanding

A tower of compassion
and understanding

Brightened blue eyes
able to dream
ascending to see
A horizon of hope
in front of me

 

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UP (computer-friendly view)

There have been some ups and downs over the past year. Never, however, have I been as low as one lost week in May of last year, just after wrist surgery #2.
But then as you see…I was UP again.

I am even more uppity a year later.
May 21, 2016
Have a great long weekend everyone!

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Glut                                                                                    Clear                                                                                                                                                                                        
Mostly cloudy
IMG_20150513_083033[1]                                                              Mostly sunny

with a chance of rain.                                               with no chance of rain.
Same as yesterday.                                                   A brand new day.
Here I am again.                                                        Far less pain.

Walking around                                                         Able to focus
in a foggy haze                                                           with a clear mind
Little or no memory                                                  No fog and no haze
of the last three days                                                and no urge to rewind 
A dirty blur                                                                   Dirty blur, gone
A nauseating glut                                                      Nausea, no more
The dizzying effects                                                  Opening all my windows
of you know what                                                      and closing all those doors

Morphine.                                                                      So long morphine.
Morphine and pain.                                                  Hello healing pain.
Mostly cloudy                                                              Mostly sunny
with a chance of rain.                                               with zero chance of rain.

May 13, 2015                                                                              May 21, 2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confined

“People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it.”
– Jim Morrison20150930_213223[1]

 Confined

He goes to bed each night
alone with the ache
 His internal conflict
keeping them both awake
Wakes up weary every morning
lying beside his vanity
With a smile for his children
and a check mark for his sanity

Physical versus mental
in a battle of his pain
Sensory and substantial
is the signal from his brain
From necessity and habit
you conceal what you feel
It’s mind against matter
with wounds that won’t heal

Scar tissue and time
The confines of the mind
Self-motivation
Self-preservation
Selfishly suppressing the pain
Scar tissue and time
A safe place to hide
He
fights the pain

His wounds remain
Sustaining himself from inside

An actor playing himself
in the true story of he
Absorbed in the role of everyman
and that’s who he has to be

Scripted by circumstance
he has lines on every page
Penned for his own purposes
he is resplendent on his stage

 
A song written in his head
but needed by his heart

Lyrics intended for healing
they’re upbeat from the start
Motivation for mind and body
 Affected, but indeed sincere
He gives a selfless performance
for everyone to hear

Scar tissue and time
The complexities of the mind
Self-medication
Self-preservation
Selfishly deflecting the pain
Scar tissue and time
Enduring another day
Different roots of pain

No Ledger or Cobain
Determined to go another way

Scar tissue and time
You conceal what you feel
It’s mind against matter
When wounds never heal

Scar tissue and time
In the confines of your mind
You ascend another day
Starting from behind

 

Clear

          Clear

Mostly sunnyIMG_20150520_091650[1]
with no chance of rain.
A brand new day.
Far less pain.

Able to focus
with a clear mind
No fog and no haze
and no urge to rewind
Dirty blur, gone
Nausea, no more
Opening all my windows
and closing those doors

So long morphine.
Hello healing pain.
Mostly sunny
with no chance of rain.

Weary

      Weary

 My left arm straight out
I wake up locked in place
right arm pinned under me
exasperation on my face.
Eyes-only glance to my left
3:17 on the clock
despite the untimely hour
I need to get up and walk.
A struggle to just get started
so familiar and frustrating
slowly turn onto my back
where another knot is waiting.
The motion too abrupt
I hear her wearily say
“is it still bothering you?
  I hope you are okay?”

The pain is now both of ours
awake in the dead of night
nothing seems to change
 will I ever feel alright?


Do I sit up or do I roll?

either way is a chore
which move tonight?
the best way to the floor?
Eventually I am standing
legs weary under the weight
I finally feel my body
it doesn’t feel great.
Sluggish, sore and irritated
I consume a gasp of air
regain some composure
as much as I can bear.
Knowing she’d like some water
I’m too spent to think
“I am getting some pills
can I get you a drink?”

The cat greets me with a look
as I flick on the kitchen light
as if to say “not again…
 will you ever be alright?”


Taking stock of my aches

I try to shake them out
wrist a pulsing whimper
shoulders a throbbing shout.
Stillness seems wiser
let my thoughts unwind
“concentrate elsewhere
relax and avert your mind.”
Leaning against the counter
I stare blankly at the floor
choke down two tablets
then swallow one more.
I need to get back to bed
the morning will be rough
the microwave says 3:39
  my body says “enough.”

Same tired routine
night after night after night
nothing seems to change
 will I ever feel alright?


Back to my drowsing beauty
dozing none too deep
her eyes loosely closed

hovering near sleep.
  “Are you feeling okay?”
raises her head, as I lie
“just the usual” I say
and we both know why.
Her hand touches my arm
“try to get some rest”
her calm voice soothing
puts her head on my chest.
For a moment I forget
the pain politely subsides
peace eventually arrives
and she’s the reason why.

Despite the same worries
and another rocky night
despite the constant pain
she makes me feel alright.

Nemesis

blocked path

Nemesis


There is so much to look forward to…

I’ve got my whole life ahead of me
A new arrival that I can’t delay
Give me one foot in front of the other
and I will be on my way.

The unexpected stalls me now …

Sudden news blocks my path
A detour to well-made plans
Steady these legs to hold me
and free up my hands.

Can’t wait to just relax and breathe…

Helpless to control the forecast
Doing my best to find the sun
To soak in an entire day
and plan the next one.

Reel in whatever comes my way…

To push off from the dock
Coast along with the wind’s pace
Cast my line on to a rocky ledge
and enjoy this perfect place.

Find the energy to get back to work…

Put the final touches on our home
  Paint this room and finish the floor
Complete this life’s next steps
and prepare for one more.

Time and patience will get me there…

We’ve got a whole life ahead of  us
Like we planned if I have my say
Just one foot in front of the other
and we’ll be on our way.

We will all walk hand in hand in hand…
and live
and laugh
and play.

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Retreat

               Retreat  IMG_0575

I escape to my own space
to be alone with my despair
Four walls and my thoughts
keep me company there…
A curtain shields the light
I sit, I think, I stare.

A place where I can hide
until sense is restored
Until understanding surfaces
all else can be ignored.

Until I regain some strength
Until my nature takes its course
All else will be ignored
while I find my creative force.

I retreat to my own space
to make sense of my despair
Four walls and my emotions
keep me company there…
My mind fills the page
I sit, I feel, I repair.

Time need not heal me
I have to feel like this 
I want my sorrow to affect me
this, is just how it is.

I have to experience this suffering
I want this productive pain
This, is just how it is
From loss, to mindful gain.

I choose to heal in my own space
to gain release from my despair
Four walls and my words
keep me company there…
Shedding light on my recovery
I sit, I write, I share.

Inevitable

Inevitable

Inevitable

 

The shadow of sadness seems ominous
Over a life that is ebbing away
Helpless, no matter what I do
Insufficient, no matter what I say

When it’s quiet and the door closes
And my words have been left behind
All that I take with me is my loneliness
It’s as if life has robbed me blind

With only self-reflection and memories
I fill this void, so that I may see
With tears for now and never forgetting
I feel this grief washing over me.

Time takes its exacting toll
As I struggle to understand
I reach out to touch the inevitable
While you hold my other hand.


Allow vulnerability to concede control

It’s this inner turmoil that is very real
Recognize and accept it for what it is
I must suffer, so that I can heal

This harsh reality is a necessary agony
Let it do its work and don’t resist
Must not repress, deny or bury my despair
I must yield to it, while we co-exist

My hopes are confronted by my despair
And sorrow that could go to any length
The future is my next opponent
Your support is my source of strength.

Time devises its own agenda

Life seldom goes as planned
I reach out to grasp for yesterday
While you hold my other hand.

 

There’s a process to repair these lacerations
It takes time for wounds to mend
You held my hand at the bitter beginning
 I felt your presence to the better end

A soothing touch on my aching flesh
You hold the pulse of all I am feeling
With the sensation of your hand on mine
One hurting… and the other healing

Scars will show when I have healed
Jagged confirmation of how and when
Reminders of the cruel cuts of life
Yet signs that I am whole again.

 I feel the grip of your reassurance
Rising from my grief, I am able to stand
I can let go, and motivate my mourning
While you hold my other hand.

Communicate

Gary's screen shot

Communicate

Communication is in the delivery
Interpretation, is how you are heard
Talk is free but can have a steep cost
Be careful how you spend a word

Try to contain your emotional intensity
Let your feelings align with what is real
Speak to be heard, but never to hurt
Speak to impart, to understand, to heal


Nothing good to say, say nothing at all

Negative energy can exact a toll
Fear and regret are daggers to the heart
While positivity rolls through the soul


To disagree is healthy and a means to an end

It’s all in the way we debate or we discuss
Talk without the urge to accuse or deny
Discover the perspective in each of us

Consider all of the possible consequences
Consideration in what you say, what you do
Never take away a person’s dignity
It is everything to them, and nothing to you


Stronger, when we decide to listen

Happier, when we choose to share
Positivity rolls through the soul
Communication takes us there


Communication is about a connection

Being positive and looking straight ahead
Happiness comes from caring and sharing
Unhappiness, often, from words left unsaid

When you love enough to express your displeasure
When you trust enough to share your pain
You reduce the risk of everything to lose
You enhance the chance of everything to gain


Closeness and understanding will grow

As positivity rolls through your soul
Negativity digs deep into your being
Communication, can fill that hole


Communicating brings lives together

Give all that you have, and discuss the have-nots
Comfort is knowing how to measure your words
Closeness is being able to weigh your thoughts

A relationship is very much a living entity
With a mind of its own, an eye, and an ear
A pulse, a blood stream, and a beating heart
We breathe life into love when we talk, when we hear


As positivity rolls through your soul

Keep communicating, and growing each day
Nothing says more than yes, and absolutely
It is everything to hear, so easy to say

 

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