Heath

Heath

I am choosing
to embrace this section of my life
Content in remembering 

the personal significances…

Every now bare wall
It’s before and it’s after
What I leave behind there
And all that I keep 

Of moments and memories
Of time, and of space,
Transitory substance
However fleeting it may be
The capacity
Of each emptied room
Impactful and significant
Now. Always. A part of me

I selected a home
for many of the right reasons
With the best of intentions
and wishful thinking…

To help someone else

But especially myself 
Bringing back the essence
Of what makes me tick
Dinners and conversations

Holidays, and games
With enough room

For everyone to be
Money, and time
Well spent, I do believe

Now, and forever mine
And more to take with me


I have decided
on the sooner and the later
Fortified by the changes
that are on my way…

With a few more weeks
to share within my self
Prepared, on my own terms
I shall ease into the next
Music and reminiscing
Sorting and editing
Corners filled with boxes
Totes, full of them with me 
Til now, and until then
Packed carefully together
Once was, with yesterday
Now. And whatever shall be

I am moving forward

to, and with, my future
Confident with my choices
and where they are all headed…

Minding




Minding
We walked, holding hands,
where we had walked
many times before.
Darn. We missed the sunset
she said.
Just a little too late, I replied.
But, that’s okay,
I thought,
as we looked out from the shore.
We are gonna see so many more

And I sighed.
Outwardly? Maybe? Likely
Definitely inside
What a wonderful revelation
My mind couldn’t seem to hide.

It’s cooled right off out,
without the sun
.”

A little brrr,” I said,
as we continued on.
Yup. That time of year,”
she replied.
I’m already looking forward
to getting into bed

Said the voice inside my hea
d.


There were lots of people walking.
She said hello
to one of her students
from a class last year.
So, said my wandering mind,
I have to keep my thoughts here

We kept walking and talking,
our quickened steps crunching
on leaves and wood.
It’s going to be even chillier
when we’re camping
.”
It sure is, I agreed,
as I already sat by the fire.
The warmth of the campfire
feels so good
I could feel itI really could


Then, we are both lying in our tent,
together, between sleeping bags

As I continue in my mind.
It was a crisp visualization
that it could easily find.

It was such a peaceful night,
she suggested a longer walk.
It’s only a kilometer or so more.”
My libido hesitated.
Well...
But my contentment answered.
Sure. A little longer would be nice.
The back of my thoughts,
the same as before.

Already through the bedroom door


I squeezed her hand. Just because.
She squeezed mine.

We continued at our steady pace.
We should be home in half an hour

Again, the smile on my face.

We completed our walk,
only releasing our grip
as we got to the car
.
As usual, a very pleasant stroll,
despite the chill.”
I looked her way.
It really was.” She smiled.
My mind struggling to stay where we are

Very glad that our drive is not too far

Looking forward to a warm blanket
she said, as I started the car.
Yes,” I said. So am I.”
In fact, I was already under there
Feet touching … Hand on your thigh


We held the opposite hands
as we drove home.
The night’s walk complete.
The vehicle, silent for a while.
She, lost in her thoughts,
and me, transfixed
on mine.
In the bed … Under the blanket
Her, sitting quiet in her seat
My hand … Her thigh … And feet on feet

It was hard to concentrate on the road.
My mind, negotiating those other curves,
while I managed stay in my own lane.

Perhaps I do think those thoughts too much?
But, really, what could be more sane?

(It’s no wonder I spend so much time,
Happily lost, inside my brain
)


Anything we need to stop for?”
I asked her,
as we got nearer to her hood
.

She glanced my way,
I have everything I need.
Let’s just hurry home.

She had just read my mind.
And we both completely understood
.
Yes indeed Our life is good.”

Uncertain

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Uncertain

In no uncertain terms
these uncertain times
exact a daily toll
Consigned to our reality
Confined to our home
Cavernous, in our hole…

The disdain of the social media
The refrain of the incessant news
Trudeau’s late morning assurances
Trump’s daily need to accuse
Portals to the vital information
Privy to all the points and views
Small screens or the big screen
Two for my one. One for my twos

So much that I have to believe
With so little I have to choose

Twenty four, gone just like that
Stuck at home, paying hour dues
Any time, less than well spent
is more that I will lose

 

Numbers that continually climb
The mountain exceedingly steep
Information about our situation
Piled onto, and into, the heap
Unsure of exactly how to react
Dangerous to relax. Dire enough to weep
Life burrowed. And lives buried
Lost and lonely in the deep

Choices, and musts, and maybes,
sown by what we reap

Restless, on same sorry nights
Tempted to pour my self to sleep
Waking to the same exhaustion
With no appointments to keep

 

In no uncertain terms
these uncertain times
test our resolve
The tenuous balance
The strenuous times
The few we can involve…

Sitting with the same three people
So strangely out of whack
A picking and choosing of persons
Separating them from the pack
Getting together with friends, sort of
Grainy and intermittent as we yak
Me, Skyping on my Samsung
She, Zooming on her Mac

Small relief, virtually compensating
for the contact that we lack

Stuck inside, inside my head
A smothering, closed-in panic attack
A forty minute escape on foot
to the grocery store and back

 

More word games on my phone
with another temporary friend
Wearing out my headphones
Replacing another pen
Staying up late with a movie
Staying in bed until ten
Back to yesterday’s puzzle
Then another. Because I can

Nothing seems to matter much
when it doesn’t matter when

When anywhere I choose to go
is where I’ve recently been
It’s the same day as yesterday
All over again

20200517_130104
In these uncertain times
We must look to the certain things
Voices and faces. Warm and safe places
Music and memories. A lyric that one sings
We must absorb all of the sensations
Even when the situation stings
Bask in the perfection of a complete silence
The anticipation, when the phone rings

While we are captive in our own castles
we are still the queens and kings

We need to absorb every day importance
To see and hear when reality dings
Finding the words and feeling the thoughts
Any comfort that familiar brings

 

I am required to switch my focus
To forge ahead in this lonely role
Accomplish something, anything, for me
Feed and fill my hungry soul
To live life as it is, in the here and now
In the circumstance, within my control
I’m not allowed to live it to the fullest
Making more of less is my modest goal

Regaining my composure and perspective
Some of what this pandemic stole

Raising my head, my eyes, my heart
Extracting myself from the mounting toll
Wanting to live while waiting to leave
Up and over, and out of this hole

 

In these uncertain times
In no uncertain terms

Realize

REALIZE


If only
I could slow time down
If only I could
If only
I could control time
If only…
I would

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I take some time

to rummage through my past.
I laugh, I tear up. I realize.
Even the best of things,
don’t always last.
This life keeps moving on.
And precious time
keeps rolling by too fast.

I realize that
much of this life is fleeting.
A day, a night, an instant.
Much of what we had, or did,
is never repeating.
Each moment flashes before me.
And yet, my wondrous heart
keeps beating

I realize all I’ve still got,
with all that’s come and gone.
My health, my home, my hopes.
All the moves of a life,
in a life that moves on.
My present, and my past.
And every fresh new day
that brings a new dawn.

I don’t have to be religious
to count my blessings
I don’t have to be a genius
to be wise
To make some time
To take my time
For me to realize
My life constantly evolves,
and so do I
And this fleeting time,
can still be,
a blessing in disguise

 

 

I look up to my wall
and I am motivated by all I see.
My daughters. My smile. My love. 
The verification of a life
still so important to me.
Flesh and blood purpose.
My inspiration to strive
and my reasons to be.

I realize that
life gives me more than I take.
Memories and moments. And time.
Precious and valuable time.
For living, and for living’s sake.
I just have to look around to know.
Every single picture that I see
is a gift it took time to make.

I realize how much love I have,
and how much love I share.
Family and friends. And more.
My romantic relationship,
and the burgeoning love I find there.
My present is my future.
And, between time and my motivation,
it could take me anywhere.


I don’t have to be alone
to search inside myself
I don’t have to be an optimist
to see all that is good
I keep looking up, and back
I keep looking ahead
And I know that I should
I find so many reasons,
all around me
And I take my time
to take in the time…
like I hoped I could


I am at peace with my time,

because now I realize…I know.
Tomorrows, yesterdays, and todays,
the times I will best remember,
seldom arrive in a row.
These are the treasures of my life.
And my collection of times
continues to grow.

Staycation

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Staycation
There is something to be said
about just staying in
About seventy-two hours, of just us,
a
way from the traffic, the lights, the din
Us, together, happily losing track of time,
while everything we do is win/win
So many great choices when it’s you and me
that we seldom know
exactly where to begin
And it never returns to where we didn’t go
when we realize where we’ve just been

Together, inside of each other’s heart
Sharing time, within each other’s mind
Where the very best of both of us
is remarkably easy to find
Where every word we consider
is purposeful, caring and kind
Where our substantial substance
can relax, and breathe, and slowly unwind
A safe and serene distance
f
rom the lives we’ve left behind

Right at home with all that makes us laugh
Where nothing is too wacky, nothing too bizarre
For our own choice of music, and great conversation,
for our own ideal company, we needn’t go far
A healthy, necessary break for the wallet
A welcome, fuel-efficient rest for the car
Beer and wine, or whatever else we choose,
at less than a quarter the price of a bar
And when we buy it locally, ourselves,
it’s always Canadian money at par

A stay-cation, much like we wanted
A stay-in solution, much like we said
Staying in, and saving for our next adventure
Staying in together, and staying out of the red
Holding hands, while sitting on the couch
Holding each other, while staying in bed
Making love, and making our own meals
With both of our appetites, extremely well fed
Instead of 
spending a pile of money, frivolously,
we spend some quality time staying home instead

There is so much to enjoy about these weekends
It makes little difference what we choose to do
All that matters is that it’s our time, together
And every memory matters, when it’s me with you

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Mine

MINE
I was inching away from everything
that I had tried so hard to preserve
Taking the smallest of careful steps,
as I negotiated the next curve
Having spent far too much energy
accepting less than I deserve
Gradually reaching the realization
that I have more than enough nerve
20180604_092737.jpg
So, I am making changes

For me
Found someone who sees the very best
in me
Nearer to the fun and confident essence
of who I used to be
Experiencing life, one day at a time
For me

I had the best of all of the intentions

but my will seldom found the way
I just needed some selfish motivation,
and to heed the words I would say
When it’s broken, you must fix it,
rather than put it off, for yet another day
And that meant doing it myself,
believing, this is the price I’ll pay

20150801_131006[1]
So, I am making changes

For me
Bought a nice new, reliable vehicle
just for me
I am getting ever closer
to the way things should be
Closer to the life that I choose
For me

The constant of the truly good people

who are always always there
Family, colleagues, closest friends,
listening, simply because they care
Honesty, in the face of my best interest,
with only good intentions to share
Helping to get me to a better place
and then joining me, no matter where

apartment architecture contemporary design

I am making these changes
For me
A newish job, and a great new house
For me
I am now looking only forward,
to the place I want to be
Where life and love and happiness meet
With me

Meeting

                                  Meeting 


I arrive with wine, and little apprehension

Entering your home, my worries are very few
Confident that you are kind, that you are genuine
because your wonderful daughter is a part of you


As I look around, a comfort settles over me
Instantly, I am at ease, and even more sure
We say our hellos and she squeezes my hand

Moments later she takes me on a tour

I see warm colours, and family photos
lovingly displayed, up and down the hall
Your own creations, and your creativity,
gracing each room, and on every wall

Crafty signs, stitch work, and oil paintings
Your personal touches, so easily found
Children and teens, newlyweds and grandkids,
all of your loved ones, leaning or hanging around

Tangibly vibrant, with a flick of each switch
The now and the then, brought to light
The young couple, handsome and pretty
Their beginning, framed, in black and white

We stroll through your memories, new and old,
The long journey of a husband and a wife
A visual journal, of his story and yours,
Room to room, so full of a life

As we join everyone in your living room
I look to you, straight across, sitting in a chair
Our glances meet, knowingly, for a moment
neither overly concerned, but both of us aware


Just as I had hoped, with this important step,
I was adding perspective to my happy reality
But it was also tweaking my ongoing interest
with peoples’ grasps on their own mortality


I find myself staring, as we are having dinner

catching myself, just before you do
I am lost, inside my natural curiosity,
wondering about your point of view

I imagine what you might be thinking
Another Easter dinner, like any other year?
Are you blissfully oblivious to who is new,
and simply thankful that everyone is here?

Are you thinking about who is missing,
a little sad, and reminiscent as you look around?
Or are you soaking in the whole atmosphere
Every familiar sight, every happy sound?

Your grandchildren, all talking excitedly
That perfect mix of exuberance and loud
The smiles of three uniquely beautiful daughters
Your constant smile, telling me you are proud

Your living legacy, right here before you
Those most important, just being themselves
A vital portrait of your loving family
brought down from off the shelves

Your smile subsides only when you speak
Voice cracking, behind the few words you say
You seem quietly content, at the head of the table
as I gradually get to know you, on this April day


Everyone slowly heads towards the door,
saying thank-you and exchanging good-byes
I see your expression change, ever so slightly,
a
s a twinge of melancholy forms in your eyes

Worry


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Worry

You worry about us
while I worry about you
My wounds have mostly healed
Yours, are still unfairly new

Still vulnerable, still susceptible,
Still affected by so much
Bruised around the edges
Still tender to the touch
 Memories, there on the wall
Reminders, flashing on the screen
Taking you back to a hurt
that never should have been
Pictures and question marks
Still images, still fresh 
Years of mixed emotions,
rubbing against your flesh
The occasions, the situations
With family, with friends
The sudden jolt to your system
When some of your past attends
Incessant and intrusive probing
Concerned people, hassling you
The pangs from a harsh reality,
that may or may not be true
Occasional reminders,
that prick you like a pin
Sharp and pointed circumstance
Jabbing at your skin

Rumours, and stories that swirl
Of others, going through the same
Open secrets and indiscretions
The deflecting of the blame
Sad and similar symptoms,
that you reluctantly understand 
Taking you an unhealthy distance
from the life that you had planned

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You worry about us
 and I worry about you
 This is what I can see
This is all I can do

There is pain that I recognize
Sore spots, we have both got
Other aches, I can understand
Worse ones, that I cannot
Nights, together in your home
Putting myself in your place
Hours, rapt deep in our conversation
Moments, spent lost in your face
The nuances of your smile
The emotions, found in your eyes
A shimmering well of melancholy
behind a wavering disguise
The sharp, cruel jabs of pain,
that stab your heart like a knife
The tears, that occupy my mind,
as we sit, surrounded by your life
Yet, there is no place I’d rather be
There with you, trying to comprehend
Distracting you and laughing with you
As your partner, as your friend
Taking you to a fun and happy now,
And sitting beside you there
Giving only me, and who I am,
In every minute that we share
Knowing, I have zero urge to sit
where someone else has sat
That I am one hundred percent yours
That I can promise you that
I have my steadfast morals
I have my own unique charms
I have this love for you,
and I have two strong arms

sunset-red-pair-love-67615.jpeg

You worry about us
I worry about you
I promise you my honesty
That is the most I can do

Nest

I am still not used to it.
Both of them only half the time
was hard enough to accept.
Then the teenage years came
and they became independent.
Half the time became
half the time, half the time.
Then came graduation,
and jobs, and university for one.
And now it’s half of them,
half of half the time.
In less than a year and a half
it will be none of them
almost all the time.
That’s life, I suppose…20171130_094348


NEST
 

Our new family home,
that I bought to share
A shell of a house
without you there
Echoes in the halls
Walls, inside of walls
Some framed with memories,
some still bare 

Never seems as bright
when you are gone
A dim comparison,
with half the lights on
Darkness under a shade
Beds perpetually made
A window with a view,
with the curtains drawn


Down, in the basement

Alone, in the yard
I knew it would hit me,
just not this hard

A simple fact of life,

but it feels like a test
They spread their wings,
and they leave the nest


I wander and I wonder,
cleaning up for one
Swept up in thoughts of you
until the work is done
A vacuum, and a broom
The dust in your room
Faint specks of yesterday,
settled, and then none 

The quiet of the night,
t
he silence of compromise
C
alendar on the fridge,
c
old comfort, as time flies
Circles, that tell me when
Two weeks until then
A small glimmer of hope,
faint in
a father’s eyes

 

Empty, in your bedroom
Alone, at the table
I glance to your pictures,
when my heart feels able

Sad solace in knowing
that it’s for the best
When life calls them,
and they leave the nest

 


Filled

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Filled 

Tired and happy

My heart is full

I close my eyes
to end a great day
Another great day

I am a lucky guy
With all that I have
With all of those
who fill my heart

A wonderful family
who don’t judge
Who want nothing
but the best
for me

So many good friends
Unbelievable friends
who are always there
No matter what
this crazy life
brings my way

A modest home
where my heart resides
That reflects who I am
Where my mind
rests peacefully
after another
great day

20171118_095324[1]

 

 

 

 

 

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