Gordy

 

           

                      Gordy

Sometimes
 when I put my feet up
   I feel it.
     Sometimes
       when I open the back door
          I know.
            Sometimes
              when I get home from work.
                 Sometimes
                    when I leave to go.

Sometimes
  when I sit
    where you always sat.
      Sometimes
        when I walk
           past your favorite mat.

              I don’t always think of you.
                Sometimes
                   I still do.

Gordy

 

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Grasp

Grasp

 The shadow of sadness seems ominous
over a life that is ebbing away
Helpless, no matter what I do
Insufficient, no matter what I say

When it’s quiet and the door closes
and my words have been left behind
All that I take with me is my loneliness
It’s as if life has robbed me blind

With only self-reflection and memories
I fill this void, so that I may see
With tears for now and never forgetting
I feel this grief washing over me

Time takes its exacting toll
as I struggle to understand
I reach out to touch the inevitable
while you hold my other hand.


Allow vulnerability to concede control

It’s this inner turmoil that is very real
Recognize and accept it for what it is
I must suffer, so that I can heal

This harsh reality is a necessary agony
Let it do its work and don’t resist
Must not repress, deny or bury my despair
I must yield to it, while we co-exist

My hopes are confronted by my despair
Sorrow that could stretch to any length
The future is my next opponent
Your support is my source of strength

Time devises its own agenda

Life seldom goes as planned
I reach out to grasp for yesterday
while you hold my other hand.


There’s a process to repair these lacerations
It takes time for wounds to mend
You held my hand at the bitter beginning
 I felt your presence to the better end

A soothing touch on my aching flesh
You hold the pulse of all I am feeling
With the sensation of your hand on mine
One hurting…and the other healing

Scars will show when I have healed
Jagged confirmation of how and when
Reminders of the cruel cuts of life
Yet signs that I am whole again

 I feel the grip of your reassurance
Rising from my grief, I am able to stand
I can let go, and motivate my mourning
While you hold my other hand.

IMG_20141208_114447[1]

Tears

tears bench

My heart was as big as life
where love had made its mark
My eyes caressed you in the daylight
My arms embraced you in the dark

Those eyes that were so sensitive
closed suddenly as we kissed
Those lips that were so tender
made the merest touch sheer bliss

Everything mattered to us then
We knew how it could and should be
We knew our love was very real
I knew that you belonged with me

The time that we spent together
shortened each time we were apart
I smile when I think about you
It’s been like that from the start

Only now my smile fades sooner
because my heart begins to pound
I try not to let myself cry, but fail
and struggle to conceal the sound

Bitter tears run down my cheek
as helpless pangs consume me
I can feel the love that once was
and it’s your face I always see

I lay in bed and stare at nothing
I reach to hold the hand not there
Empty sheets are all that I feel
and lonely thoughts I dare not share

I’m so afraid to close my eyes                                                            Tears bed
and dream about us once more
I sit up sad and cold and angry
and put one pillow on the floor

Never far from my conscience
I know how perfect it was before
I can’t just forget that kind of love
as we slowly seem close the door

The same two people live inside us
The same two who never fought
The same two who fell in love
That’s great and that’s a lot

Nothing else seems to matter now
I know how it can and should be
I know the feeling was very real
I know that you belong with me

My tears tell me so.

LEAVE

blocked path
The way you sapped my daily strength
With a negative outlook and minimal view
I used to wake up and hope for more
There was little left of me, and none for you
 
Our everyday had become a cliché
Your glass was empty, mine half full
Positives only attract when they align
Our physical magnet had lost its pull
 
The motivation that love should have and hold
Would never be as steady as it was before
Inspiration lost in a half-written verse
Long since crumpled and fallen to the floor

The happiness that I thought you were
Was not the person that I came to see
It took its toll on my diminished soul
There was little left of you, and none of me

It was time for me to leave…
No need to talk about it any more
No point in picking up the phone
Love had left and closed the door
I just wanted to be alone.
 
Morning thoughts were common dreams
Plans we made to embrace each day
A life enhanced by family and friends
Escapes from work, to get away
 
Was it just wishful thinking on my part
A failure to recognize what was real
The words you thought I needed to hear
Concessions to shape the way I’d feel
 
How else do I explain the unusual dissent
The change in outlook, the hurt so raw
The disappointment of life gone wrong
Feelings of failure, the final straw
 
Abandoned journey to expand our horizons
With the richness of the world we treasure
You snatched away the joy of making plans
Not for family, and none for pleasure
 
I had no choice except to leave…
Stagnant emotions in a haze of doubt
Stuck in the rut inside our home
Losing the will to live each day
Essential for me to be alone.
 
I’d find you asleep in a motionless chair
Your maternal glow was a sure attraction
That emotion I felt though, was rarely there
Addition somehow had become your subtraction
 
We dreamed about the treasure of a family
Two new lives should boost our worth
The richness of growing all as one
The reason it’s called the joy of birth
 
We are supposed to be here to shine their way
Beacons of love that will help them see
Not a dark cloud on a dimly lit horizon
I can’t even comprehend how this can be
 

Unhealthy to be bound by just because
What they should not view as man and wife
Pursue different paths to what is true
Set good examples and embrace this life


It was mindful relief for me to leave…

To get away from those hard feelings
The hurtful words, the harmful tone
To create a quiet space for healing
I just needed to be alone.

To grow and know and thrive and be
An open window to the world around

Search and explore and discover more
Something got lost and was never found

Reality had become my weary burden
Despite our willingness to share the load

Exhausted from worry that need not be

Too drained to carry us down that road

We altered our course to one unknown
An unfamiliar route lined with doubt
An uneven trail on a winding path
To stop the commotion I needed to get out

I knew it was time for me to leave…
We both understood the vital signs

An agonizing while that we had known

That time had left us far behind

It was time for us to be alone.

SHELTER

Suppressing the urge to start anew

He knows just what he shouldn’t do

Never opens his doors at all

Never leaves from within his walls

 

His eyes may be open wide

But usually he will choose to hide

Safe within a world of doubt

Deafening whisper, reticent shout

 

Room to room with scattered thoughts

Kitchen cupboards holding empty pots

Basement depths, in cold calamity

Off-white walls, housing humanity

 

Ghosts remind him of past pains

Dragging demons like heavy chains

Apparitions fade into darkest night

Dissolved by cracks of laden light

 

An echo of places and names and places

Unfamiliar feelings and familiar faces

Hallways filled with hollow laughter

Closets shelved with before and after

 

Room to room with scattered thoughts

Kitchen cupboards holding empty pots

Leaking fixture, in bathroom vanity

Off-white walls, housing his sanity

 

His room is colder than ever before

Bitter draft through hardwood floor

He pulls the covers over his head

But feels no warmer in this bed

 

Sleepless hours afraid to dream

Lost alone in a recurring theme

Sheltered from the break of dawn

He always keeps his curtain drawn

 

Room to room with scattered thoughts

Kitchen cupboards holding empty pots

Low ceilings, in harsh tranquility

Off-white walls, housing humility

 

Room to room, in sheltered resistance

Off-white walls, housing existence

.

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