Past

“So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light…
Just promise me we’ll be alright
But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue
But we’ll live a long life
And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we’ll live a long life”
‘Ghosts That We Knew’
– Mumford & Sons


Past

I took a chance
and let you into my heart.
I let all of my feelings show.
Uprooted my life,
for me and you,
but little did I know.


I discovered your wounds,

written in your own words,
there, for anyone to see.
Cuts and bruises,
vital accumulation,
scars, that you never showed me.

The breadth of your struggles,
so much I didn’t know,
spread across my screen.
Instead of in my mind.
Instead of in my heart,
where they should have been.

I took your determination,
for never again,
as a personal affront.
Your learned defensive posture
as harsh belligerence,
 you just being you, being blunt.

Your fierce independence
was stubborn vulnerability.
Your frustration, was our fate.
The voice of your experience,
sad and specific,
finally heard, but far too late.

I would have tried harder
to let you speak to me,
to let your words get through.
I could have helped you 
confront your demons,
instead of confronting you.

 It became impossible
to live with you
when you wouldn’t let me in.
Hard for us
to start over,
with nowhere to begin.

Had I only known
 the slippery slope
  of dealing with your past.
Known that I would struggle
to wade through
the depths
and dangers of your doubt.

I still would have wanted you.
I still could have loved you.
I would have understood.
I could have pulled you out.


I chose the challenge,

and gave you my heart.
Let all of my feelings show.
Uprooted my life,
to be with you,
but little did I know.


If only I had known,
I could have earned your trust.
I would have opened up my mind.
Instead, I read of our demise,

   determined before we met,
 by those you left behind.

Takers, martyrs, bullies,
sad and hurtful people,
there on my screen.
Instead of in our talks.
Instead of in my thoughts,
where they should have been.

 Until I read it,
I never once heard you 

refer to your mother as
Mom.
In fact, I barely knew
where all of the hurt
and resentment
were from.

Never could I picture, you,
together with your ex.

Made no sense to me at all.
And, until I read the name,
  typed in bold hostility,
I had never heard of Paul.

Bitterness and bravado.
 Broken pieces of the past,
clenched inside your fist.
   Our time, our spirit,
spent fighting with your ghosts.
One more added to the list.

It’s tough to share
with someone
who barely gives.
Hard to live
with someone
who reluctantly lives.

Had I only known
the bleak history
of your emotional pain.
The depths to which
those before me
had sunk inside your mind.
I still would have wanted you.
I still could have loved you.
I would have understood.
I could have been more kind.

I gave you my heart.
Had I only known…

 

 

Setback


IMG_20150125_103623[1]

Setback

The long and straight road
 just around this curve
The hard-earned happiness
that we all deserve…


Just when we felt ready

for our lives to improve
The rug is pulled out
weeks from our move
Naïve to true character
 the greed of this clown
Did not see it coming
and he took us down

Worse because of our wait
until the timing was right
Patience and compromise
and our goal was in sight
We lost what we found
in the blink of an eye
Contractual loop-hole
the worst reason why

Unethical and unchristian
in every last way
A faith that escapes me
 with no place to stay
Hard to understand
decency so easily lost
Unconcerned about effects
or the considerable cost

Anger and resentment
attached to this news
Struggling with my will
and the retribution blues
Sleepless once again
from selfish lack of reason
Leaving a family homeless
during the coldest season


Seasons change…


Battling these elements
we are not alone
The reason of others
has calmed my tone
Strength in our number
at the end of this rope
The warmth of words
is a blanket of hope

The comfort of friends
reassuring calm voices
Easing our urgency
by revealing our choices
Strength in our situation
a position of power
Snapped back to reality
like the coldest shower

It is just a matter of time
not too far away
The stars will align
and peace will come our way
Spiritual, solely because
we’ve reached from within
Recovered our dignity
despite their sin

The weight of the world
but it’s just one more rep
Spring is in our future

and it’s in our step
Put all of this behind us
 and write a different poem
Just another small setback
on our long  journey home


The long and straight road

is just around this curve
The hard-fought happiness
that we all deserve…

pic for Alive blog

Spite

                 Spite


Bitter and unforgiving

Imbedded in how you speak
Stubborn and so hurtful
 First instinct of the weak

Malicious pointed words
Constantly pointed finger
Damage you can’t rescind
Resentment that will linger

Spite makes you smaller
A grudge, poison to the soul
An ego guarding its territory
Arrogance digging a hole

Rooted in feeling superior
A symptom of something geneticTears bed
An excuse for the narrow-minded
To be petty and pathetic

Paralyzing emotions
Anger and especially spite
Stuck under the weight of words
Unwilling to do what’s right.
Still so full of negativity
 Still so much pent-up hate
Accept what life has dealt you
Because soon might be too late.

Bitter and unrelenting
Forgotten what it’s all about
Difficult and missing the point
Ugliness turned inside out

Anger so very misguided
An all-encompassing rage
Unable to forget or forgive
Refusal to turn the page

Insufferable and exacting
Spite consumes you like a cancer
Irreplaceable time spent selfishly
Questions you refuse to answer

You will look back with regret Grave
Stop living life as a quitter
Bitter and alone without your kids
And with them… just bitter

Paralyzing emotions
Anger and especially spite
You will be lost in your darkness
Until you realize there is light.
Let go and try the positive
Let go of all that hate
Accept what life has dealt you
Because soon might be too late.

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