Confined

“People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it.”
– Jim Morrison20150930_213223[1]

 Confined

He goes to bed each night
alone with the ache
 His internal conflict
keeping them both awake
Wakes up weary every morning
lying beside his vanity
With a smile for his children
and a check mark for his sanity

Physical versus mental
in a battle of his pain
Sensory and substantial
is the signal from his brain
From necessity and habit
you conceal what you feel
It’s mind against matter
with wounds that won’t heal

Scar tissue and time
The confines of the mind
Self-motivation
Self-preservation
Selfishly suppressing the pain
Scar tissue and time
A safe place to hide
He
fights the pain

His wounds remain
Sustaining himself from inside

An actor playing himself
in the true story of he
Absorbed in the role of everyman
and that’s who he has to be

Scripted by circumstance
he has lines on every page
Penned for his own purposes
he is resplendent on his stage

 
A song written in his head
but needed by his heart

Lyrics intended for healing
they’re upbeat from the start
Motivation for mind and body
 Affected, but indeed sincere
He gives a selfless performance
for everyone to hear

Scar tissue and time
The complexities of the mind
Self-medication
Self-preservation
Selfishly deflecting the pain
Scar tissue and time
Enduring another day
Different roots of pain

No Ledger or Cobain
Determined to go another way

Scar tissue and time
You conceal what you feel
It’s mind against matter
When wounds never heal

Scar tissue and time
In the confines of your mind
You ascend another day
Starting from behind

 

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SAME

SAME

Eyes wide openIMG_20150330_112911[1]
Looking over at me
Awake in the wake.
        More beautiful
        More expressive
        More than I can take.

That same dream
The same image
         just as clear.

The same realities
The same memories
         find me here.


Still you are gone
Never coming back

Sadly taken away.
        Hard to accept
        Hard to understand
        Hard to even say

The same nightmare
That same visionbed - Copy
        of the very end.
The same horror
The same memories
         to comprehend.


Shock and disbelief
Second-hand news
First-hand pain.
        Taking my time
        Taking my sleep
        Taking me back again.

The same heartache
The same dream
         of once was.
The same nightmare
The same memories
        The same just because.

(more…)

Five

IMG_20141020_183556[1]

Five


Turns her light on

as my feet touch the floor
I set my alarm for five
been awake since four

“Already,” I hear her say
echoing my first thought
Her six hours of sleep
one more than I got

“Stay in bed,” I suggest
three seconds too late
Gets up with me at five
doesn’t leave until eight

Meeting again in the kitchen
a few minutes after that
Two cups for tea and coffee
a scoop of food for the cat

A quiet morning moment
her eyes finding mine
Five seconds of a hug
same warmth every time

I hear her kettle whistle
as I shut the bathroom door
Three quarter turn of the tap
and then left a little more

A double pump of shampoo
a rinse, a towel and a mat
Five minutes for a shave
a couple to dress after that

It all seems so similar
same reason and same rhyme
Putting on a pair of pants
one tired leg at a time

A kiss at a quarter to six
and I am out the door
Already looking forward
to sometime after four

Doesn’t make a single difference
if it is routine or not
 Whether it’s this home, now
or in the new one we’ve bought

We are in this together
and it goes both ways
A team working as one
for those five busiest days

What makes it worthwhile
is that it is the two of us
Making seven lunches
and getting five to the bus

Can only strengthen our bond
make us feel more alive
Supporting each other
even when the clock says five

It’s what will make our new home
far more than just bricks
And it will feel five times better
when we can set the alarm for six

Weary

      Weary

 My left arm straight out
I wake up locked in place
Right arm pinned under me
exasperation on my face.
Eyes-only glance to my left
3:17 on the clock
 Despite the untimely hour
I need to get up and walk.
A struggle to just get started
so familiar and frustrating
 Slowly turn onto my back
where another knot is waiting.
The motion too abrupt
I hear her wearily say
“is it still bothering you?
  I hope you’ll be okay?”

The pain is now both of ours
awake in the dead of night
 Nothing seems to change
 will I ever feel alright?


Do I sit up or do I roll?

either way is a chore
 Which move tonight?
 The best way to the floor?
Eventually I am standing
legs weary under the weight
I finally feel my body
it doesn’t feel great.
Sluggish, sore and irritated
I consume a gasp of air
regain some composure
as much as I can bear.
Knowing she’d like some water
I’m too spent to think
“I am getting some pills
can I get you a drink?”

The cat greets me with a look
as I flick on the kitchen light
As if to say “not again…
 will you ever be alright?”


Taking stock of my aches

I try to shake them out
 Wrist a pulsing whimper
shoulders a throbbing shout.
Stillness seems wiser
let my thoughts unwind
“Concentrate elsewhere
relax and avert your mind.”
Leaning against the counter
I stare blankly at the floor
choke down two tablets
then swallow one more.
I need to get back to bed
the morning will be rough
 The microwave says 3:39
  my body says “enough.”

Same tired routine
night after night after night
 Nothing seems to change
 will I ever feel alright?


Back to my drowsing partner
dozing none too deep
her eyes loosely closed

hovering near sleep.
  “Are you feeling okay?”
raises her head, as I lie
“Just the usual” I say
and we both know why.
Her hand touches my arm
“try to get some rest”
 Her calm voice soothing
puts her head on my chest.
For a moment I forget
as the pain politely subsides
 Peace eventually arrives
and she’s the reason why.

Despite the same worries
and another rocky night
 Despite the constant pain
she makes me feel alright.

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