Uncertain

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Uncertain

In no uncertain terms
these uncertain times
exact a daily toll
Consigned to our reality
Confined to our home
Cavernous, in our hole…

The disdain of the social media
The refrain of the incessant news
Trudeau’s late morning assurances
Trump’s daily need to accuse
Portals to the vital information
Privy to all the points and views
Small screens or the big screen
Two for my one. One for my twos

So much that I have to believe
With so little I have to choose

Twenty four, gone just like that
Stuck at home, paying hour dues
Any time, less than well spent
is more that I will lose

 

Numbers that continually climb
The mountain exceedingly steep
Information about our situation
Piled onto, and into, the heap
Unsure of exactly how to react
Dangerous to relax. Dire enough to weep
Life burrowed. And lives buried
Lost and lonely in the deep

Choices, and musts, and maybes,
sown by what we reap

Restless, on same sorry nights
Tempted to pour my self to sleep
Waking to the same exhaustion
With no appointments to keep

 

In no uncertain terms
these uncertain times
test our resolve
The tenuous balance
The strenuous times
The few we can involve…

Sitting with the same three people
So strangely out of whack
A picking and choosing of persons
Separating them from the pack
Getting together with friends, sort of
Grainy and intermittent as we yak
Me, Skyping on my Samsung
She, Zooming on her Mac

Small relief, virtually compensating
for the contact that we lack

Stuck inside, inside my head
A smothering, closed-in panic attack
A forty minute escape on foot
to the grocery store and back

 

More word games on my phone
with another temporary friend
Wearing out my headphones
Replacing another pen
Staying up late with a movie
Staying in bed until ten
Back to yesterday’s puzzle
Then another. Because I can

Nothing seems to matter much
when it doesn’t matter when

When anywhere I choose to go
is where I’ve recently been
It’s the same day as yesterday
All over again

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In these uncertain times
We must look to the certain things
Voices and faces. Warm and safe places
Music and memories. A lyric that one sings
We must absorb all of the sensations
Even when the situation stings
Bask in the perfection of a complete silence
The anticipation, when the phone rings

While we are captive in our own castles
we are still the queens and kings

We need to absorb every day importance
To see and hear when reality dings
Finding the words and feeling the thoughts
Any comfort that familiar brings

 

I am required to switch my focus
To forge ahead in this lonely role
Accomplish something, anything, for me
Feed and fill my hungry soul
To live life as it is, in the here and now
In the circumstance, within my control
I’m not allowed to live it to the fullest
Making more of less is my modest goal

Regaining my composure and perspective
Some of what this pandemic stole

Raising my head, my eyes, my heart
Extracting myself from the mounting toll
Wanting to live while waiting to leave
Up and over, and out of this hole

 

In these uncertain times
In no uncertain terms

Force

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She is interested

And interesting
A person who cares
A personality that shares
She puts herself out there
Where no one else dares

I wrap my mind around her
with all of my might
Wrap my thoughts around her
and hold on tight
She sometimes comes unwrapped
and that’s all right
She makes every day
more interesting
And gets more interesting
with every night

 

She exudes her perspective 
Yearning as a mom. Learning to be an ex-wife.
She is resilient, but far from reticent
As she takes on this life
The expressive face. The reflective eyes.
Mirrors, to her struggles and strife
Her reactions are intense and instant
And, often, sharp as a knife

Forceful, but far from philosophical

She attacks her every day
Saying exactly she means
Should her edge begin to fray
Her mind just seems to know
What she needs and has to say
She is adamant in her intentions
And she invests them all the way

I’ve seen and heard it many times

With myself. With any friend.
The truest sense of what she means
The means in which she’ll send
Her voice may waver. Her choices are unwavering.
A point of view that doesn’t depend
Sometimes she breaks down easily
But seldom does she bend

 I was taken aback by her way
But only for the shortest while
I appreciated who and how she was
So much from her gut. So much guile.
Refreshingly real in her honesty
Stoic in neither substance nor style
I sit back, and I soak her all in
Look, and listen, and discreetly smile

She is interested

And interesting
A parent who intensely cares
A partner who intently shares
Puts herself out there
When no one else dares

I wrap my heart around her
with all of my might
Wrap my arms around her
and I hold her tight
A force, she keeps me rapt
and that’s all right
She makes our every day
more interesting
And I am more interested
in every night

 

Dancer

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Dancer
I remember my laughter
I remember your enthusiasm
So energetic. So petite.
My great big smile
Your great big heart
Your little arms. Your little feet.

Your little legs
Your little steps
Your little mistakes.
The precious years
The countless lessons
The time it takes.

And I wouldn’t change any of it
for the world…

Watching you jump
Watching you twirl
My little dancer
My little girl


I think about my pride

I think about your progress
So precise. So sure.
My complete awe
Your perfect performance
So professional. So mature.

So much practice
So much commitment
So much that it takes.
The exams and recitals
The many life lessons
The memories that it makes.

And I couldn’t be more impressed
by all I’ve seen…

Watching you leap
Watching you whirl
My talented daughter
My little girl

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Bridge

Bridge

I do whatever I need to do
Take whatever way it takes
to see the smile on her face
I have my self-preservation,
and my selfish inspiration,
to take me to that place…

I find solace in technology
In the time-lapse comfort
of a heart-inspired text
I can reach across with words
A bridge that spans the gap
from one smile to the next

Often, I write even more,
as my mind stretches out
to the necessary length
It’s a way from me to her
And I can hold on until then
because this is my strength

When both our separate lives
reluctantly keep us apart
I know I can edge nearer
When I find her response
there isn’t the sound of her voice
but I can still hear her

She is my after
She is my before
She makes my day,
She makes me want more
She is my now
She is my again
She is my next time
She is my til then

black and white bridge leaf outdoors
I do whatever I need to do

Take whatever way it takes
to see the smile on your face
I have my self-preservation,
and my selfish motivation,
to take me to that place…

I have twelve hour work days
Sometimes there’s five
Sometimes, only two
I can shorten either time,
I can shorten either bridge,
with all my thoughts of you

Often, I escape to memories,
as my mind reaches back
to our last perfect night
It’s a short distance away
And I can hold on to then
with all of my might

When my work frustrations
threaten the best of me
I know where I can go
When my patience wains,
I look behind, and move ahead
because I already know

You are my after
You are my before
You make my day,
You make me want more
You are my now
You are my again
You are my next time
You are my until then


Love is the bridge
that gets me to you…
And I always will take it
Thinking about you
edges me ever closer…
Until I can make it.

Absorbed

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Absorbed

Sometimes I get lost
And I stare
I am lost
in the mystery of your dark eyes
I am caught up
in the flow of your dark hair
Sometimes, you catch me looking
Never do I care

Whenever you notice,
and you look my way,
my love finds you there.

Then, you smile.
That smile.
And I smile,
And we are both there.

Often, I soak all of you in
And my heart is full

I bask in the moment
and never want to let it go
I absorb all I see
until my emotions show
Often, I burst from the inside
I let my words flow

Whenever I feel this way,
I promised,
to always let you know.

So, I say them.
Those words.
And you say them.
And we both know.

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Realize

REALIZE


If only
I could slow time down
If only I could
If only
I could control time
If only…
I would

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I take some time

to rummage through my past.
I laugh, I tear up. I realize.
Even the best of things,
don’t always last.
This life keeps moving on.
And precious time
keeps rolling by too fast.

I realize that
much of this life is fleeting.
A day, a night, an instant.
Much of what we had, or did,
is never repeating.
Each moment flashes before me.
And yet, my wondrous heart
keeps beating

I realize all I’ve still got,
with all that’s come and gone.
My health, my home, my hopes.
All the moves of a life,
in a life that moves on.
My present, and my past.
And every fresh new day
that brings a new dawn.

I don’t have to be religious
to count my blessings
I don’t have to be a genius
to be wise
To make some time
To take my time
For me to realize
My life constantly evolves,
and so do I
And this fleeting time,
can still be,
a blessing in disguise

 

 

I look up to my wall
and I am motivated by all I see.
My daughters. My smile. My love. 
The verification of a life
still so important to me.
Flesh and blood purpose.
My inspiration to strive
and my reasons to be.

I realize that
life gives me more than I take.
Memories and moments. And time.
Precious and valuable time.
For living, and for living’s sake.
I just have to look around to know.
Every single picture that I see
is a gift it took time to make.

I realize how much love I have,
and how much love I share.
Family and friends. And more.
My romantic relationship,
and the burgeoning love I find there.
My present is my future.
And, between time and my motivation,
it could take me anywhere.


I don’t have to be alone
to search inside myself
I don’t have to be an optimist
to see all that is good
I keep looking up, and back
I keep looking ahead
And I know that I should
I find so many reasons,
all around me
And I take my time
to take in the time…
like I hoped I could


I am at peace with my time,

because now I realize…I know.
Tomorrows, yesterdays, and todays,
the times I will best remember,
seldom arrive in a row.
These are the treasures of my life.
And my collection of times
continues to grow.

Thoughts

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Thoughts

In my heart, even while you are away,
the thought of you always stays…

These thoughts of you that extract me
from my enigmatic haze
Thoughts of you that illuminate my mind
and eliminate the grays
These thoughts of you that can fill this void
in the best of ways
Thoughts of you that remain steady
as life’s pendulum sways
These thoughts of you that give substance
to my each and every phrase
Thoughts of you that paint these words,
as each thought of you replays

With these thoughts of you, that sustain my heart,
there are no lonely days.

 ❤

Ado

Ado
A dynamic so dynamic.
A torrent to perceive.
A gambit of emotions.
The years conceive.
A tear. An eye.
A heart. A sleeve.

Always prepared to give.
And reluctant to receive.


I watch the group of you.

From the outside in.
I see all of you, and all of your compassion.
I barely know where to begin.
The love. And the respect.
The quiet. And the din.
The worry. The fury. The sound advice.
The raising of the chin.

It’s the overwhelming urge to share your lives.
And the way it’s always been. 

 


It’s much ado about everything.

And that’s okay.
I see all of you, giving all that you’ve got.
On any given day.
The laughter. And the hugs.
The work. And the play.
The adamant of your honesty.
Your investment in all the way.

It’s about saying exactly what you mean.
And the meaning of what you say.


I find it exhaustively inspirational.
And extremely refreshing.
I
see all of you, lay it all out there.
With zero window dressing.
No self-preservation. And no hesitation.
No wasted words. And no second guessing.
One on one. And all for one.
When one of you is stressing.

It’s the selflessness of true friendship.
And an undisguised blessing.

 


Together when you celebrate.

 For each other if you grieve.
A gambit of emotions.
These years conceive.
Some beer. Some wine.
You share. You believe.

Always anxious to arrive.
And reluctant to leave.

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Unintended

Unintended

A reminder, that dug deep into my heart.

Seemingly unintended, yet sharply unkind.
So, I let it slide back, to that place inside.
To be stored again, on the edge of my mind.


Subtle and unintentional. Cruelly unnecessary.

A mention of things that I am well aware
Slid out to me, with an unknown intent
Such a sad reminder, so doubly unfair

I could only assume that you were unaware
So, I closed the door, and locked out the bad
Spent a moment alone, in your bathroom mirror
Emerged with a smile. And without the mad.

Yet, I can’t even fathom why you said what you said
And I am positive that you don’t even know
On any other, more certain night
My first instinct would have told me to go

But, I wouldn’t have.

This has little bearing on the respect that I have.
Typically, thoughtful, in most you say and most you do.
It’s more a self-analysis, of my coping skills.
Ninety-eight percent about me, and only a bit about you.


A reminder, that I didn’t need to hear.

About something that I can’t control.
A reality, always on the edge of my mind.
An unintended reminder of my limited role.


This is not the first time that I have felt this way

And, certainly, it will not to be the last
Such painful reminders feel doubly unfair
Unintended entendre, of both present and past

Of circumstances, that I can barely grasp
Choices, life’s evolution, and some of my fears
Set situations, that are beyond my reach
Reluctant adjustments made over the years

Yet, just as I find a semblance of acceptance
There it is, pushed out at me all over again
To be pulled back inside, in one irreverent moment
Me, not certain why. You, not knowing when.

But, how could you?

A harsh reminder, not converted into harsh words.
Despite thinking that someone else would.
Remembering, ironically, something you’d said.
About our ninety-eight percent, that is very good.


I wanted, intently, to discuss it with you then.

But it seemed somehow misplaced in the dark of your view.
So, I  kept it inside. Until I could write it, instead.
From the edge of my mind, like I always do.

Drained


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Drained


Life asked too much of me today…

When I finally did sit down,
in silent exhaustion
the whole of me was aching,
inside and out
My determination had been battered
And my will was strewn about
The voice of all of my frustrations
left
too tired to shout

I had been drained by the day,
feeling tattered and torn
This day, took everything I had
And then greedily wanted more
My heart, left clinging to my sleeve
My soul, scattered on the floor

Endless hours, of one after another,
constantly knocking on my door

Yet, there was a calming sense of relief
A satisfaction of accomplishment
For having passed each test,
on the worst ‘just one of those days’
I rose up to every harsh challenge
I chose
all of the appropriate plays
I was exhausted, yet extremely alive,
proud of my self-sustaining ways

Life asked too much of me today…

Summoning everything that I had,
I found more than I knew I had to give
On days like these, we don’t get to choose
the life that we have to live

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