Myself
I was indifferent, wandering,
when we first met
Raw, lost, and purposely alone
Barely wanting, knowing,
if I even cared to look
Wondering, daily,
if I even wanted to try.
It seems so long ago,
so far from where I find myself
Where I found my self
To the here, to the now
To where I am vital, content
Certain, today,
that you’re the reasons why.
I find myself, reflective, here.
Found my self, reflected, there.
I followed our love to get to today
On a path, lined,
with many fresh new memories
To this hopeful here,
and to our happy now
Eventual time, guided,
by the bluest of shared skies.
Projecting only forward,
to tonights, and to tomorrows
To the vast unknown,
secure, in what is known,
In what is shown
At peace, in this life, with this love,
as our time slowly flies.
I have opened up, again,
by looking in the right place
Seeing, and noticing
Discovering and rediscovering
Spending time, there,
A focused man, here
Feeling healthy, and happy, and wise.
Found my self, reflected, there.
I find myself, reflective, here.
A special night, now,
is any night,
and most every night
As I get to spend them
in my favourite place
And where I get lost, now,
is where I was found.
It is here, with you
and your lovely face
In the perfect place
There, inside your eyes
Secure, within this love
I am safe, and I am sound
There and here... on solid ground.
I am myself. Here.
All posts tagged alone
Myself
Posted by ggreentree on October 13, 2023
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2023/10/13/here-2/
Muck
Muck
So many things that fill up my mind
So much that’s past that’s pushing from behind
Jolted awake, again, by the relentless perplexing pressure
Far too much to fathom, to contain, by any measure
Crowding my senses, busying them, with misguided nagging haste
An overflow, of constant next thoughts, destined to the waste
Insignificant plans, and worries, in an inane excess of order
Inconsequential hurries, close to the edge, my internal border
A constantly rising pool, of recurring what, and where, and when
Spilling over, from a vast reservoir, of again, and again, and again
Any important thoughts, lost in the mix, and escaping beyond the wire
Anything of significance, diluting, as it spreads into the mire
Distressed, exhausted, I just lay there, with my mess all around me
A muck, of all the nagging nothings that won’t leave me be
Questions, and circumstances, tests that I should be able to take
Yet, more and more than enough to keep me entirely awake
The same old, and the most recent, cruelly conspired into one
Into yet another restless night, after yet another day done
Not quite willing, or able, to get up and get out of it just yet
Tonight’s fresh sheets, soaked with my self-absorbed, subconscious sweat
Hearing, and feeling, everything now, with steady relentless refrain
Her breathing, my breathing, my impatience, with my incessant pain
A convergence, the ache, on and in me, until I can take it no more
Throwing back my side of sheets, I am up, and fleeing for the door
An enormous, overwhelming need to get away from it all
To distance myself, further and further, as I stagger down the hall
Into the living room, to the window, to the familiar streetlight view
I take a deep gasp of new breath, press my cheek to the glass, as often I do
And I stay that way, for a cool relieved minute, behind my tightly shut eyes
Opening them, eventually, to look out and around, to the expansive starry skies
It matters, more than ever to me then, that they are still safely up there
As my recurring, waking nightmare dissipates, into their endless thin air
Slow sane certainty, calm, easing my racing pulse with every moment that I look
Me, destined once more, for the couch, for a blanket, a pillow, and a book
Sleep, situations, and palpitations, left behind, for now, for the rest of this night
Alone, alive, at three thirty-eight a.m. Accepting, again, that this just isn’t right
Posted by ggreentree on April 5, 2022
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2022/04/05/muck/
Fluid
Fluid
In this transient reality
We set aside some space
Temporary convenience
At life’s insistent pace
Fluid, constant motion
Paused, in time and place…
Setting out a dinner for four
She exhales an internal sigh
Counting it down, by the days
As the first one tumbles by
Familiar food for her thoughts
With wine, wine, beer, and beer
A toast then, to the here and now
So glad to have them here
These people, of utmost to her
Looks around to all that she’s got
It all feels so blissfully usual
Yet, she knows, that it is not
Flashing back, in actual time
His tried and his latest tricks
Youthful glint as the board turns
Familiarity, that talks and ticks
A while since he’s borrowed her car
As doors close, she watches him go
These mere minutes feel unlike any
His solo trip to the LCBO
Wants the most of the little things
Mother with son, an after-dinner walk
The past right here, so very close
Once, goes twice around the block
This transient reality
So hard to get used to
It’s who we are right now
And just what we do
Fluid, constant notions
A little sad, but true…
Nudged by another reality check
Dinner outside, tonight for nine
Another taste and test of time
Sets out seven glasses for wine
Reminiscence crosses her mind
The two, with a glass of juice
Memories made, and the unknown
Lives we’ve lived, and lives to choose
Looking around to the more she has
Time dissuades her from being sad
Double years, at both their ages
A smile inside, for all she’s had
Stretching out in her comfort zone
Ideal isolation, movie for two
Daughter, blanket, popcorn, pop
Immersed in what they used to do
Sharing a tear and point of view
A soundtrack, and a heavy plot
Hand in hand, like sometimes
Alone together, lost in thought
Allowing it to sink mostly in
The truest and trickiest part
Essential, to live in this moment
The safest place, inside her heart
This transient reality
When believing is seeing
Together, on occasion
Planning, and agreeing
Fluid, constant emotions
Content, for the time being.
Posted by ggreentree on August 31, 2021
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2021/08/31/fluid/
Projection
Projection
I push my thoughts out
Tapping my own words
onto an awaiting screen
Recorded reflections
of where I’ve just been
Of personal perspective
Of what I’ve just seen
I examine myself
Instantaneous expressions
of where I am at
The current conditions
of the recurrent facts
In the changes to this
To the status of that
I purge myself
Freeing from any heavy load
that burdens my gut
The formidable restraints
of any personal rut
Of the weight of every ‘if’
Of the wait for ‘and’ and ‘but’
I can steady myself, on words
Calming choppy waters
when things get rough
When the inevitable storms
make passages tough
When righting my own ship
My writing is enough
I let my feelings flow
Spreading my mixed emotions
onto a slate that’s clean
Concrete conceptions
of the spaces in between
Of pressing perspective
Of exactly what I mean
I capture myself
Caught in the moments
where my heart and I agree
All of those impressions
of importance to me
In that place, all my own
To set my soul free
I isolate myself
Spending time alone
with just myself and I
Affected by the effects
of others saying good-bye
Of people going their way
Of different reasons why
I can remind myself, in words
Of all I still keep,
if ever it is missing
The essential and the exceptional
of my mental listing
Like the sure of their support
The soft of her kissing
I check in on myself
The life that I’ve lived
and all that it’s brought
Reminders, in writing,
of all that I’ve got
Of pending perspectives
Of all they may wrought
I project myself forward
Imagining what is to come
should I choose to be older
When I manage to look more ahead
than over my shoulder
In the content of my future
To the contents of my folder
I place my life in front of me
Contemplating the next years
in my personal text
The rhymes and rumination
of my calm and complex
Of wandering, to what else
Of wondering what’s next
I can see myself, through words
Travelling this world,
still taking and making notes
Still carrying big aspirations
wherever my imagination floats
Still boyish on a small island
Buoyant on big boats
I picture myself, always, with words
Soaking all of it in
and jotting all of it down
Expressing all my freshest feelings
from any faraway town
From living my life as a verb
To ‘living’, as adjective and noun
Posted by ggreentree on September 4, 2020
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2020/09/04/projection/
Idyllic
Idyllic
(11D II)
Every hour, gently touching the next
Alone here, together with you
Twice enough to go around
Contently sharing this idyllic place
Peace. Moments. Every subtle sound.
Soaking all of it in, breathing slowly out
Stress. Tension. An exhale away.
Peace. In warm air. On sunshine
Our night, just a breeze from today
Posted by ggreentree on July 18, 2020
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2020/07/18/idyllic/
Was
Was
He stood on the snow-covered rocks,
watching the three little ducks swim.
Taking turns, diving under the cold lake.
Like children, indulging a dare on a whim.
He was content. Was smiling inside.
Simple emotions were welling to the brim.
More certain that he was almost all the way back.
He was wishing that it was him.
He was standing there, contently entranced.
Soaking in every detail that he could find.
He was feeling the tension of his heartstrings
as they slowly stretched to unwind.
It was not all that long ago, really.
He was adrift, floating away from his mind.
Just then, he was suddenly overwhelmed.
Was remembering, all that he’d left behind…
∼
He remembered when he was entirely sunken
In the darkest depths of his own despair
Was held under by his own helplessness
Was fighting, for any small gasp of air
Was beside himself, flailing with his lonely soul
Unable to breathe, or even to care
Was looking, around himself, at nothing
Was alone, and wanting no one else there
He was lost, slowly drowning in constant doubt
Submerged, below the murky surface of his worry
Hearing only that incessant, dissenting voice
It was the sound and the resound of the fury
As he finally, desperately, managed to look only up
It was through eyes so tired and blurry
He was doubtful he could get all the way there
He was certain that he had to hurry
He began the ascent, from his abyss of self-pity
Was no more time he could waste on reflecting
He was towing his lessons, out of this depression
Through all of the shame and the blame deflecting
Was willing his load, upward, determined to make it
He was far more buoyant than he was expecting
With his sole motivation, his self-preservation
He surfaced, with the self he was neglecting
∼
He had willed himself up and out, onto solid ground.
Had saved his heart and his soul from dying.
If he said that he was completely free of the pain,
they both would know he is lying.
Yet he is getting ever closer to leaving it all behind.
Is going to be himself again. There is no denying.
He is inspired, and required, to get all the way there.
And he is sure going to live trying…
He was going to stand here for a while more.
And only then would he continue his run.
Transfixed as he was by the three ducks.
Still having their own carefree, unique fun.
He wants nothing more than to bask in this feeling.
It is his head. It is his heart. Together as one.
He finally manages to pull his eyes away.
He is met by the warmth of the sun.
Posted by ggreentree on March 24, 2020
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2020/03/24/was/
Realize
If only
I could slow time down
If only I could
If only
I could control time
If only…
I would
I take some time
to rummage through my past.
I laugh, I tear up. I realize.
Even the best of things,
don’t always last.
This life keeps moving on.
And precious time
keeps rolling by too fast.
I realize that
much of this life is fleeting.
A day, a night, an instant.
Much of what we had, or did,
is never repeating.
Each moment flashes before me.
And yet, my wondrous heart
keeps beating
I realize all I’ve still got,
with all that’s come and gone.
My health, my home, my hopes.
All the moves of a life,
in a life that moves on.
My present, and my past.
And every fresh new day
that brings a new dawn.
I don’t have to be religious
to count my blessings
I don’t have to be a genius
to be wise
To make some time
To take my time
For me to realize
My life constantly evolves,
and so do I
And this fleeting time,
can still be,
a blessing in disguise
I look up to my wall
and I am motivated by all I see.
My daughters. My smile. My love.
The verification of a life
still so important to me.
Flesh and blood purpose.
My inspiration to strive
and my reasons to be.
I realize that
life gives me more than I take.
Memories and moments. And time.
Precious and valuable time.
For living, and for living’s sake.
I just have to look around to know.
Every single picture that I see
is a gift it took time to make.
I realize how much love I have,
and how much love I share.
Family and friends. And more.
My romantic relationship,
and the burgeoning love I find there.
My present is my future.
And, between time and my motivation,
it could take me anywhere.
I don’t have to be alone
to search inside myself
I don’t have to be an optimist
to see all that is good
I keep looking up, and back
I keep looking ahead
And I know that I should
I find so many reasons,
all around me
And I take my time
to take in the time…
like I hoped I could
I am at peace with my time,
because now I realize…I know.
Tomorrows, yesterdays, and todays,
the times I will best remember,
seldom appear in a row.
These are the treasures of my life.
And my collection of times
continues to grow.
Posted by ggreentree on June 21, 2019
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2019/06/21/realize/
Thinking
![IMG_20150520_091650[1]](https://ggreentree.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/img_20150520_0916501.jpg)
Thinking
Thinking, alone in my car,
as I am heading your way
Thinking, as the sun goes down
on yet another busy day
Thinking, about what I am thinking,
as I pause at the corner to turn right
Thinking, that I am excited to see you,
as I am each and every night
Thinking, about just how much I love you,
as I stop to wait for the light
Thinking, that I love what I’m thinking,
as your house comes into sight
Thinking, alone in my car,
as I pull into your driveway
Thinking, as the moon looks down
on the best part of my day
Thinking, of the first glimpse of your face,
as you meet me at the door
Thinking, of feeling perfectly whelmed,
as I have on every night before
Thinking, of this next kiss and embrace,
as the next of so many more
Thinking, that I love what I’m thinking,
as I look to all we have in store
Posted by ggreentree on April 2, 2019
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/thinking/
Unintended
Unintended
A reminder, that dug deep into my heart.
Seemingly unintended, yet sharply unkind.
So, I let it slide back, to that place inside.
To be stored again, on the edge of my mind.
Subtle and unintentional. Cruelly unnecessary.
A mention of things that I am well aware
Slid out to me, with an unknown intent
Such a sad reminder, so doubly unfair
I could only assume that you were unaware
So, I closed the door, and locked out the bad
Spent a moment alone, in your bathroom mirror
Emerged with a smile. And without the mad.
Yet, I can’t even fathom why you said what you said
And I am positive that you don’t even know
On any other, more certain night
My first instinct would have told me to go
But, I wouldn’t have.
This has little bearing on the respect that I have.
Typically, thoughtful, in most you say and most you do.
It’s more a self-analysis, of my coping skills.
Ninety-eight percent about me, and only a bit about you.
A reminder, that I didn’t need to hear.
About something that I can’t control.
A reality, always on the edge of my mind.
An unintended reminder of my limited role.
This is not the first time that I have felt this way
And, certainly, it will not to be the last
Such painful reminders feel doubly unfair
Unintended entendre, of both present and past
Of circumstances, that I can barely grasp
Choices, life’s evolution, and some of my fears
Set situations, that are beyond my reach
Reluctant adjustments made over the years
Yet, just as I find a semblance of acceptance
There it is, pushed out at me all over again
To be pulled back inside, in one irreverent moment
Me, not certain why. You, not knowing when.
But, how could you?
A harsh reminder, not converted into harsh words.
Despite thinking that someone else would.
Remembering, ironically, something you’d said.
About our ninety-eight percent, that is very good.
I wanted, intently, to discuss it with you then.
But it seemed somehow misplaced in the dark of your view.
So, I kept it inside. Until I could write it, instead.
From the edge of my mind, like I always do.
Posted by ggreentree on March 31, 2019
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2019/03/31/unintended/
Lost
Lost
There are cracks
And there are holes
Those who have lost their way
Those, who have lost their souls
Cracks, lined with uncertainty
Shallow and long and narrow
Split, painfully, like broken bone
With blood and doubt and marrow
Holes, filled with deprivation
Deep and dark and wide
Dug, in haste, like a mass grave
The addicted and the dead inside
Lost, lonely, alone
Missing in the cracks
Someone’s family
Someone’s friend
Lost, forgotten, gone
Buried in a hole
Someone else’s story
Someone else’s end
Posted by ggreentree on September 11, 2018
https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2018/09/11/lost/
Cerebral Images 