All posts tagged self

Muck

Muck
So many things that fill up my mind
So much that’s past that’s pushing from behind
Jolted awake, again, by the relentless perplexing pressure
Far too much to fathom, to contain, by any measure
Crowding my senses, busying them, with misguided nagging haste
An overflow, of constant next thoughts, destined to the waste
Insignificant plans, and worries, in an inane excess of order
Inconsequential hurries, close to the edge, my internal border
A constantly rising pool, of recurring what, and where, and when
Spilling over, from a vast reservoir, of again, and again, and again
Any important thoughts, lost in the mix, and escaping beyond the wire
Anything of significance, diluting, as it spreads into the mire

Distressed, exhausted, I just lay there, with my mess all around me
A muck, of all the nagging nothings that won’t leave me be
Questions, and circumstances, tests that I should be able to take
Yet, more and more than enough to keep me entirely awake
The same old, and the most recent, cruelly conspired into one
Into yet another restless night, after yet another day done
Not quite willing, or able, to get up and get out of it just yet
Tonight’s fresh sheets, soaked with my self-absorbed, subconscious sweat
Hearing, and feeling, everything now, with steady relentless refrain
Her breathing, my breathing, my impatience, with my incessant pain
A convergence, the ache, on and in me, until I can take it no more
Throwing back my side of sheets, I am up, and fleeing for the door

An enormous, overwhelming need to get away from it all
To distance myself, further and further, as I stagger down the hall
Into the living room, to the window, to the familiar streetlight view
I take a deep gasp of new breath, press my cheek to the glass, as often I do
And I stay that way, for a cool relieved minute, behind my tightly shut eyes
Opening them, eventually, to look out and around, to the expansive starry skies
It matters, more than ever to me then, that they are still safely up there
As my recurring, waking nightmare dissipates, into their endless thin air
Slow sane certainty, calm, easing my racing pulse with every moment that I look
Me, destined once more, for the couch, for a blanket, a pillow, and a book
Sleep, situations, and palpitations, left behind, for now, for the rest of this night
Alone, alive, at three thirty-eight a.m. Accepting, again, that this just isn’t right

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by ggreentree on April 5, 2022 • Permalink

Posted in Life lessons, Random Thoughts

Tagged accepting, ache, again, alone, awake, breath, Calm, Certainty, circumstances, conspired, contain, convergence, crowding, cruel, diluted, Distance, distress, escaping, excess, exhaustion, fleeing, further, gasp, haste, hurries, impatience, incessant, insignificant, internal, mind, mire, misguided, Muck, nagging, night, nightmare, overwhelming, pain, palpitations, past, perplexing, Poetry, pressure, pushing, Questions, racing, recurring, refrain, relentless, relieved, restless, sane, self, senses, significance, skies, sleep, stagger, stars, sub-conscious, thoughts, waste, worries

Posted by ggreentree on April 5, 2022

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2022/04/05/muck/

Then

Then
It’s about time, for her.
She has worked unselfishly,
and has more than paid her dues.
Time, then, to remember herself.
The longer that she forgets,
then the more she has to lose.

A ten-hour day,
then kids, then dinner,
and then it’s a half past six.

The others clean up,
then they head for their screens.
Then another hour ticks.

Then TV, for another two or three.
Then she is lost in her thoughts.
Her self, getting lost in the mix.

She gives, and she gives.
She gives some more,
and then, she gives.
Seldom, does she complain.
Never, does she consider
how she barely lives.

She stares, alone then,
vaguely through the mirror,
and then she washes her face.

She remembers morning practice.
Then sets her alarm ahead,
so they won’t have to race.

She turns back the covers.
Then reaches for her book.
And then she takes her place.

She gives, and she gives.
She gets very little,
and then, she gives.
Seldom, does he notice.
Never, does he appreciate
how the other half lives.

Then, in the silence, he fades.
There’s a mumbled ‘good night’,
and then it’s lights out.

Then she lies there awake.
Then along comes the pain.
And then, the self-doubt.

Then, the frustration builds.
Then the inevitable tears.
And then the urge to shout.

It’s then that she realizes
that this can no longer be
what her life is about.

She gives, and she gives.
Then she wants more.
And then she knows.
Eventually, she recognizes.
Finally, she decides.
And it’s then that she goes.

It was time then, for her.
She knew she deserved better,
and she had every right to choose.
Time then, to rediscover herself.
The longer that she waited,
then the more she had to lose.

She is taking time, now, for her self.
Leaving her longing behind,
and making a solemn, personal vow.
She will take, as much as she gives,
because this is her time to live.
That was her then, and this is her now.

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by ggreentree on August 28, 2018 • Permalink

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons, Lyrics, Society

Tagged about, another, appreciate, awake, barely, better, book, choose, complain, consider, decide, deserve, dues, eventually, fade, finally, forgets, frustration, give, heself, Inevitable, knows, leaving, life, lo, longer, longing, lose, lost, Mirror, More, nging, notice, now, paid, pain, personal, place, Poetry, recognizes, rediscover, remember, right, self, self-doubt, shine, shout, silence, solemn, take, taking, Tears, thoughts, Time, unselfish, urge, vague, vow, wants

Posted by ggreentree on August 28, 2018

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2018/08/28/then/

Brusque

Brusque
Opinions, for the ears of everybody
Words, of a mind for only one
You talk and you talk a good game
When, actually, you have none
A misplaced sense of self-importance
Confident, to the point of delusion
Constantly rubbing people the wrong way
A reality, wrapped inside an illusion

What colour is the sky in your world?
Does the sun only shine when you’re in it?
Is the planet lonely with just the one person?
Does it only turn when you spin it?

An endless list of those you’ve alienated
Astounded, by your condescending tone
An ego, that pierces the thickest of skin
Daggers, from a mind all your own
Common denominator to many problems
Divisor, for those who cross your path
You are 100% certain, and 90% wrong
Little remains, when you do the math

What colour is the sky in your world?
Is it grey and spattered with dots?
Do you ever get to see the sunlight?
Is it overcast, clouded by your thoughts?

You ride in on your high horse
Give the royal wave to all you pass
Those who don’t acknowledge you
Can just kiss your royal ass
You share a seat with your superiority
Oblivious to the ooze that you spill
Sitting smugly beside your judgement
In a sticky puddle of your ill will

What colour is the sky in your world?
Is it showering blood, instead of rain?
Are you sheltered beneath your thin cover?
Or drenched, in the red of your disdain?

It is by no means an overstatement
Your demeanour is your disguise, your demise
Whenever you reveal your true self
It’s like a storm, sweeping the skies
From the nasty depths of self-absorption
Blunt statements, soaked in the odd
Revealed, one assumption at a time
From beneath your shallow façade

What colour is the sky in your world?
Does anyone ever reach you there?
Perhaps someone should tell you?
Would you really even care?

1 Comment

by ggreentree on August 5, 2017 • Permalink

Posted in Life lessons, Random Thoughts

Tagged alienate, assume, blood, blunt, Brusque, certain, clouded, Condescending, confident, dagger, delusion, demeanour, demise, disdain, disguise, facade, grey, illusion, lonely, nasty, odd, ooze, opinion, overcast, planet, Poetry, rain, reality, reveal, self, shallow, sky, smug, spin, sun, superiority, tone, World, wrong

Posted by ggreentree on August 5, 2017

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/brusque/

special…

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by ggreentree on May 23, 2016 • Image • Permalink

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons, Love, Random Thoughts

Tagged books, boy, clear, close, easy, embellish, eyes, feelings, friend, future, girl, glances, Happy, humorous, impressions, intimate, knowing, Love, man, meaning, meant, pleasure, Poetry, problems, rain, self, shallow, sincerity, special, thoughts, touching, trust, veracity, woman

Posted by ggreentree on May 23, 2016

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2016/05/23/special/

Pages

Pages
Plenty of reflections
Plenty of idiosyncrasies
come naturally with age.

The inclination to hesitate
The instinct to look back…
before I turn a page.

Birthdays and anniversaries
Dates of significance
Names and news and faces.
They pull be back in time
To a life full of friends
To many happy places.

I find myself occupied
For more than a moment
When I stop to reminisce.
So deeply entrenched
As I get lost in a past
That I invariably miss.

I have done my due time
Been an adult for a while
Am a proud father of two.
Have settled into middle age
Set aside my daydreams
For the responsible view.

Far too many pages
Far too many friendships
That I’ve let slide by.

As my mortality jolts me
As I read into it further…
I have to ask why?

Social media postcards
Everyone is travelling
Going there and there.
With unlimited budgets
Twelve weeks of vacation
Gone without a care.

Everyone else seems to get it
That time is of the essence
As the years tread by.
Different walks of life
With uncommon passages
But similar reasons why.

Emphatic experiences
To exciting locations
At the drop of a hat.
Unbelievably available
Unrealistic, of course
But I want some of that.

So many more pages
So many more memories
for me to still get.

With age comes wisdom
With wisdom comes perspective…
but not just yet.

Chance encounter reminders
Of emotions long forgotten
Of passages in my book.
Resolute feelings of once was
The remnants of my passion
And the chances that I took.

“You look great for fifty”
That is kind of you to say
But it’s clearly not the same.
Just takes me back to twenty
With the world at my feet
At the top of my game.

I have no urge to act my age
I crave the reckless abandon
That I felt back then.
I need more of that feeling
More of that self-assurance
Inside of me again.

Plenty of next pages
Plenty of new stories
before this chapter ends.

Much is still in place
Much of what motivates me…
and most of those friends.

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by ggreentree on April 7, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons, Random Thoughts, Society

Tagged abandon, anniversaries, birthdays, book, Chances, chapter, daydreams, encounters, experiences, faces, family, feeling, forgotten, friends, Happy, instinct, life, Love, memories, Moment, names, Pages, passages, passion, perspective., places, Poetry, reckless, reflections, reminders, reminisce, self, self-assurance, social media, Stories, Time, Travel, unrealistic, vacation, years

Posted by ggreentree on April 7, 2016

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2016/04/07/7343/

Libre

Libre
It seems so simple
Crystal clear
Sunlit visible
as I look around
The little things
Whatever life brings
Rays of sunshine
in perspective found

Time continues
to fly on by
Weeks disappearing
into the haze
Slow it down
to take a look
Make the most
of everydays

Palm trees
Gracious people
A week away
for my mind
Smiles and greetings
Time not fleeting
Easing away
from days behind

Cuba libre
Putting my self first
Spiritually taking
time for me
The unobtrusive
is all-inclusive
Cerebrally absorbed
in all I see

It seems so simple
Crystal clear
Sunlit evident
that less is more
The little things
Whatever life brings
Waves of perception
from ocean to shore

See this world
whenever possible
Sample the pleasures
life recommends
Follow the rhythms
of your heart
Embrace the message
that it sends

Drinking time
Thinking time
A vacation
for my soul
Pina colada
Worry about nada
Pieces of perception
making me whole

Cuba libre
Putting my self first
Blissfully making
time for me
The unobtrusive
is all-inclusive
Cerebrally absorbed
in all I see

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by ggreentree on March 29, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons, Lyrics, Random Thoughts, Society

Tagged Away, cerebral, crystal, eassing, evident, fleeting, gracious, greetings, haze, Heart, inclusive, Libre, life, little things, message, mind, most, perspective., Poetry, rhythmn, self, simple, slow down, smiles, soul, spiritual, sunshine, Time, unobtrusive, visible

Posted by ggreentree on March 29, 2016

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2016/03/29/libre/

Confined

“People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it.”
– Jim Morrison

Confined

He goes to bed each night
alone with the ache
His internal conflict
keeping them both awake
Wakes up weary every morning
lying beside his vanity
With a smile for his children
and a check mark for his sanity

Physical versus mental
in a battle of his pain
Sensory and substantial
is the signal from his brain
From necessity and habit
you conceal what you feel
It’s mind against matter
with wounds that won’t heal

Scar tissue and time
The confines of the mind
Self-motivation
Self-preservation
Selfishly suppressing the pain
Scar tissue and time
A safe place to hide
He fights the pain
His wounds remain
Sustaining himself from inside

An actor playing himself
in the true story of he
Absorbed in the role of everyman
and that’s who he has to be
Scripted by circumstance
he has lines on every page
Penned for his own purposes
he is resplendent on his stage

A song written in his head
but needed by his heart
Lyrics intended for healing
they’re upbeat from the start
Motivation for mind and body
Affected, but indeed sincere
He gives a selfless performance
for everyone to hear

Scar tissue and time
The complexities of the mind
Self-medication
Self-preservation
Selfishly deflecting the pain
Scar tissue and time
Enduring another day
Different roots of pain
No Ledger or Cobain
Determined to go another way

Scar tissue and time
You conceal what you feel
It’s mind against matter
When wounds never heal

Scar tissue and time
In the confines of your mind
You ascend another day
Starting from behind

1 Comment

by ggreentree on October 6, 2015 • Permalink

Posted in Life lessons, Lyrics, Random Thoughts, Society

Tagged actor, affected, awake, battle, brain, children, Circumstance, Cobain, complexity, conceal, Confined, conflict, conform, deflecting, endure, experience, feeling, fight, heal, healing, hide, inside, internal, Ledger, life, lyrics, matter, medication, mental, mind, morning, motivation, need, night, pain, physical, play, Poetry, preservation, Purpose, role, roots, safe, sanity, scar tissue, script, self, selfish, Selfless, sensory, signals, sleep, song, story, sustain, Time, true, vanity, wounds

Posted by ggreentree on October 6, 2015

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2015/10/06/confined/

NEEDY

NEEDY

Self promotion
in constant motion
Pleading and begging
For everyone to see
It must be exhausting
This incessant need
Intense and insistent
“Pay attention to me!”

Repetitive requests
Constant changes of heart
Indecisive and impulsive
“I’m in, no I’m out!”
Question after question
Never completely sure
Waffling and wavering
Riddled with need and doubt

Looking for attention
like a dog with a ball
Alone, when no one’s looking
like a painting on the wall
Like the cold to the ice-cube
Needy to the extreme
Like the sadly desperate dreamer
who has no dream

Always in your face
Constantly trying to sell
Conflicted and convincing
“Buy that, or buy this!”
Post after post after post
A social media junky
Frenzied and forward
Yet another near miss

Feeling entitled
Exerting constant pressure
Confused and confounded
“Don’t you see my name?”
Reminder after reminder
Living vicariously
Posing and positioning
Playing a needy game

Screaming for attention
like a child with no toy
Paralyzed by inability
like a plotter with no ploy
Like the item to the auctioneer
Needy to the extreme
Like the badly conniving schemer
who has no scheme

Questioning your audience
Unable to deal with it
Again and again
Most people refuse
Sometimes a talent
Can stand on its own
Patience and time
And paying your dues

The time may come
When people pay attention
When people take notice
To the talents you’ve got
When your own self worth
Becomes evident to all
People may see you
But then again, people may not

Starving for attention
like an actor with no stage
Ready, willing, unable
like a writer with no page
Like the canvass to the artist
Needy to the extreme
Like the madly competitive player
who has no team

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by ggreentree on July 30, 2015 • Permalink

Posted in Life lessons, Lyrics, Random Thoughts, Society

Tagged actor, alone, artist, attention, child, conflicted, confused, conniving, constant, convincing, dealing, desperate, dog, doubt, dreamer, dues, entitlement, exhausting, extreme, Forward, frenzied, incessant, intense, junky, looking, Needy, notice, patience, player, pleading, plot, Poetry, poser, pressure, schemer, self, social media, stage, starving, talent, team, Time, unsure, vicarious, worth, writer

Posted by ggreentree on July 30, 2015

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2015/07/30/needy/

Ours

Ours
I sit at the end of the dock
Alone, on the edge of a new day
I scan our horizon, and smile
Content, about thinking this way
It just feels like it belongs to us
That it’s all ours, and therefor mine
That we have our own entire lake
And our own sprawling shore line

There is a definite sense of self
A fulfillment, based on our decision
Circumstances, that brought us to now
How I got to this position
As I breathe in our fresh air
and feel our cool morning breeze
My heart embraces the moment
My mind notes all that it sees

I see our fence and our fire wood
I see the garden we need to weed
I see our house that we are renovating
into the home that we need
I look up to see our deck
I see just how it’s positioned
I can picture our awesome view
Even more than we envisioned
I see our tall, imposing hemlock
Our kayaks that lie in its shade
See the route we’ve taken to our place
I see all the choices we’ve made

I see the end result to our patience
I see the fruits of this past year
I see the promise in our future
I see exactly how we got here
I see all of our perseverance
I see the challenges that we’ve met
I see how we’ve faced them all together
and I am as content as I can get

Content with this life for our family
Content with how this all came to be
Content with this time that is ours
Content, and smiling, at all that I see

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by ggreentree on July 28, 2015 • Permalink

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons, Random Thoughts

Tagged air, awesome, breathe, choices, circumstances, content, decisions, edbe, fulfillment, garden, Heart, Home, horizon, lake, mind, mine, morning, Ours, patience, perserverance, place, Poetry, position, promise, route, self, smile, together, View, vision

Posted by ggreentree on July 28, 2015

https://ggreentree.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/ours/

Matters

Restless pursuit this need to run
down streets of fire and rain
back alleys of joy and pain
away from the eyes of yesterday
to where it’s only this day that
matters

Happy and safe and satisfied          Tells me exactly why she feels
Rests her head above my heart       Grips my arm to keep me near
    Pretty and kind and genuine             Simple sense should be enough
      Pure measure to her responses        Obviously sure in her sensuality

To nurture is my nature                 Have settled into this calm before
Same quiet comfort condition       An air of duality peaceful and familiar
    How to detach is my dilemma       Never wishing to affect or afflict
      Needing to leave circumstance at full speed and join the chase to where I belong

No right escape from this situation
spiral stairway to solid ground
twisting path from lost to found
away from the arms of yesterday
to where it’s only this way that
matters

Time and space and in between         Barely standing on shaky legs
Misunderstood meandering man       Looking for the straight answer
   Accepting and expecting and free      Open to possibilities and change
     Uncertain of which way to turn            Divided with my head in the clouds

To settle has been my pattern           An ego fed love I can never return
  Boundless bravado housed inside    A shadow beside my former self
   To pursue is what I’ve got to do          Releasing the will to grasp at chance
     Needing to motivate my willing legs and take purposeful strides toward fulfillment

I want to take her hand and run
down streets of fire and rain
back alleys of joy and pain
away from the eyes of yesterday
to where I can have my say in what
matters

Exciting and vital and full of life            Challenging my every need to know
Chasing her essence lost in a trance     I see so much living behind her eyes
    Radiant and bright and so aware           Yet suspended in a well of reserve
     She shines a light in my search               Love lost places that I hope to find

To burst out through an open door          Releasing the passion that controls me
Carrying all the devotion I have to give    Leaving behind this tormented soul
   To swiftly scoop her up on my way            Imagining a path to where we belong
     Confident in knowing this is right and completely prepared to sprint into the sun

I have to take her hand and run
down streets of fire and rain
back alleys of joy and pain
away from the eyes of yesterday
to where it’s only today that
matters